God needs to learn to either take a deep breath or take a valium before he makes big decisions.

The Lord said to Moses, "Take all the leaders of these people, kill them and expose them in broad daylight before the Lord, so that the Lord's fierce anger may turn away from Israel." Numbers 25:4

No snarky commentary necessary.

God serves man seven bowls of excrement. But He loves you.

NOTE: These verses read much better on acid or mushrooms.   
     The first angel went and poured out his bowl on the land, and ugly, festering sores broke out on the people who had the mark of the beast and worshiped its image. Revelation 16:2

     The second angel poured out his bowl on the sea, and it turned into blood like that of a dead person, and every living thing in the sea died. Revelation 16:3

     The fourth angel poured out his bowl on the sun, and the sun was allowed to scorch people with fire. They were seared by the intense heat and they cursed the name of God, who had control over these plagues, but they refused to repent and glorify him. Revelation 16: 8-9

     The fifth angel poured out his bowl on the throne of the beast, and its kingdom was plunged into darkness. People gnawed their tongues in agony and cursed the God of heaven because of their pains and their sores, but they refused to repent of what they had done. Revelation 16: 10-11

     The sixth angel poured out his bowl on the great river Euphrates, and its water was dried up to prepare the way for the kings from the East. Then I saw three impure spirits that looked like frogs; they came out of the mouth of the dragon, out of the mouth of the beast and out of the mouth of the false prophet. Revelation 16:12-13 

     The seventh angel poured out his bowl into the air, and out of the temple came a loud voice from the throne, saying, "It is done!" Then there came flashes of lightning, rumblings, peals of thunder and a severe earthquake. Revelation 16: 17-18 Every island fled away and the mountains could not be found. From the sky huge hailstones, each weighing about a hundred pounds, fell on people. And they cursed God on account of the plague of hail, because the plague was so terrible. Revelation 16: 20-21

If you've made it through this inspirational list and still need proof of God's love for mankind, we may not be able to help you.

What a dick!

...if you reject my decrees and abhor my laws and fail to carry out all my commands...I will bring on you sudden terror, wasting diseases and fever that will destroy your sight and sap your strength... I will set my face against you so that you will be defeated by your enemies; those who hate you will rule over you, and you will flee even when no one is pursuing you. I will punish you for your sins seven times over. I will multiply your afflictions seven times over, as your sins deserve... I will send wild animals against you, and they will rob you of your children, destroy your cattle and make you so few in number that your roads will be deserted....You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughter...I will destroy your high places, cut down your incense altars and pile your dead bodies on the lifeless forms of your idols, and I will abhor you. Blurbs from Leviticus 26: 14-30

Someone's singing, Lord, kumbayya;
Someone's singing, Lord, kumbayya;
Someone's singing, Lord, kumbayya,
O Lord, kumbayya.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

Then the Lord said to Moses: "Take the blasphemer outside the camp. All those who heard him are to lay their hands on his head, and the entire assembly is to stone him. Say to the Israelites: 'Anyone who curses their God will be held responsible; anyone who blasphemes the name of the Lord is to be put to death. The entire assembly must stone them. Whether foreigner or native-born, when they blaspheme the Name they are to be put to death. Leviticus 24:13-16

Pretty fucking hard to misinterpret this holy scripture. Probably not a frequent read in Sunday School.

Got MILF

If a man marries both a woman and her mother, it is wicked. Both he and they must be burned in the fire, so that no wickedness will be among you. Leviticus 20:14

Burned alive for a little mom-daughter action; that's a bit harsh. I can't imagine the penalty for raping children: oh, yeah, the Bible (and the Catholic church) don't really seem to be bothered by that.

Kill your brother for God. It's an order!

Then he said to them, "This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: 'Each man strap a sword to his side. Go back and forth through the camp from one end to the other, each killing his brother and friend and neighbor.'" Exodus 32:27

God seems to have been a great role model for some of our most successful totalitarian dictators.

Oh by the way: The Levites did as Moses commanded, and that day about three thousand of the people died. Exodus 32:28

God has a hissy fit.

"I have seen these people," the Lord said to Moses, "and they are a stiff-necked people. Now leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them. Then I will make you into a great nation." Exodus 32: 9-10


God, take a deep breath. You created the mountains, the seas, billions of complex creatures, trillions of stars, galaxies, black holes, supernovae, globular clusters, and many more cool sounding things in the cosmos; don't let those stiff-necked people get you so mad. You're GOD, for Christ sake. You're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you!


(Luckily, Moses, as mere human, talked some sense into the divine, perfect, being in the next paragraph.)