And to Jacob, I bequeath 3 sheep, 7 goats and 11 sub-humans.

Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can bequeath them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly. Leviticus 25:44-46

OK, God, we get it! Certain people aren't really people. Thanks for clearly this up for us.

God loves (especially female) slaves?

If a man sleeps with a female slave who is promised to another man but who has not been ransomed or given her freedom, there must be due punishment. Yet they are not to be put to death, because she had not been freed. Leviticus 19:20

Remember, this women, this creature created and loved by God Almighty, is, after-all, nothing more than the property of a man that is free to fuck her when he pleases. Fortunately for the slave, I mean person, as God so lovingly states himself in this verse, there are rules as to who can fuck her and when they can fuck her. God is good. (Note: if you find the word "fuck" off-putting, imagine how you'd find being "owned" and "fucked" against your will by a fellow human being.)

Kick your feet up Mr. Slave, it's Saturday!

"Six days do your work, but on the seventh day do not work, so that your ox and your donkey may rest, and so that the slave born in your household and the foreigner living among you may be refreshed." Exodus 23:12

Another way to refresh a slave is to not HAVE slaves because your morality is better than God's morality and you realize that slavery is not very nice and you know damn well that you wouldn't want to be a slave because being a slave blows.

BULL-Shit

If the bull gores a male or female slave, the owner must pay thirty shekels of silver to the master of the slave, and the bull is to be stoned to death. Exodus 21:32

Said the bull, "I'm a bull, fucktard, I gore people. And not for nothin', since I gored the slave maybe the slave should get the cash. Hey, stop throwing rocks at me, asshole."

Remember: beat your slaves, just don't kill them.

"Anyone who beats their male or female slave with a rod must be punished if the slave dies as a direct result, but they are not to be punished if the slave recovers after a day or two, since the slave is their property. Exodus 21:20

Don't you just hate those pain-in-the-ass slaves that complain when you beat them? It's like they don't even know that God said it's OK.

God really cares about slaves...and women?

"These are the laws you are to set before them:

"If you buy a Hebrew servant, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh year, he shall go free, without paying anything. If he comes alone, he is to go free alone; but if he has a wife when he comes, she is to go with him. If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the woman and her children shall belong to her master, and only the man shall go free. "But if the servant declares, 'I love my master and my wife and children and do not want to go free,' then his master must take him before the judges. He shall take him to the door or the doorpost and pierce his ear with an awl. Then he will be his servant for life.

"If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do. If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners, because he has broken faith with her. If he selects her for his son, he must grant her the rights of a daughter. If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money. Exodus 21: 1-11

No pity comment required.

Feed the slaves, not the temps.

The lord said to Moses and Aaron, "These are the regulations for the Passover meal:

"No foreigner may eat it. Any slave you have bought may eat it after you have circumcised him, but a temporary resident or a hired worker may not eat it. Exodus 12:43-45

And we wonder why unions emerged.

The Lord is a vindictive baby killer.

So Moses said, "This is what the Lord says: 'About midnight I will go throughout Egypt. Every firstborn son in Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh, who sits on the throne, to the firstborn son of the female slave, who is at her hand mill, and all the firstborn of the cattle as well. (The cattle were heard asking, "what the fuck did we do?") Exodus 11: 4-6

On a lighter note, the female slaves grinding away on hand mills no longer had the arduous tasks of caring for their infants, thus doubling their production.

The Bible defines marriage, again?

So she gave him her servant Bilhah as a wife. Jacob slept with her, and she became pregnant and bore him a son. Then Rachel said, "God has vindicated me; he has listened to my plea and given me a son." Because of this she named him Dan (sing with me: Oh Danny boy...your real mom's a slave who's vagina does not belong to her...come on, you know the words) Genesis 30:4-6

Once again, a women is "given" to a man (this time from a another women) as sexual property. God's perfect word in action once again. And we're still not through the first book of the Bible. We get the point, God, a woman's reproductive rights and reproductive organs do not belong to her. How have American's fallen so far from your holy inspiration?

God really is a giver.

The Lord has blessed my master abundantly, and he has become wealthy. He has given him sheep and cattle, silver and gold, male and female servants, and camels and donkeys. Genesis 24:35

* Yes, the Lord blessed Abraham with slaves. And a pretty generous 401k.

The Bible defines marriage, again?

But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking… Genesis 21:9

* Abraham (a close personal friend with God) fathered a child with a slave while he was locked in marriage’s sacred bonds. Though MANY things are forbidden in the Bible, slavery and procreation with slaves are not amongst those prohibitions.

If only God were as concerned with human trafficking as he was with infidelity.

Then Abimelek brought sheep and cattle and male and female slaves and gave them to Abraham, and he returned Sarah his wife to him. And Abimelek said, "My land is before you; live wherever you like. Genesis 20:14-15

* You see, God wouldn’t have minded King Abimelek kidnapping Sarah if she really was just Abraham’s unmarried sister. God’s also not very concerned about the poor slaves being used as compensation on par with livestock. You have to read the whole story; it’s really warms the heart.