Forget 72 virgins; I take my share of the 32,000.

The Lord said to Moses, "You and Eleazar the priest and the family heads of the community are to count all the people and animals that were captured. Divide the spoils equally between the soldiers who took part in the battle and the rest of the community. Number 31: 25-27

The plunder remaining from the spoils that the soldiers took was 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys and 32,000 women who had never slept with a man. Numbers 31:32-35

What proud father wouldn't, moments before his slaughter, hope for his young, innocent daughter to be divided by his murderers as a victory spoil?    (Note: Notice that sheep, cattle, and donkeys ranked ahead of the virgin women on the list of spoils. Scholars still debate whether these nomads found the livestock to be more valuable than the girls, or if they merely preferred screwing the livestock because the young girls wept so forcefully during the non-consensual sex.)

HEY GOD! Stop killing everyone! And have a little respect for young girls!

The Lord said to Moses, "Take vengeance on the Midianites for the Israelites. After that, you will be gathered to your people." Numbers 31: 1-2  

They fought against Midian, as the Lord commanded Moses, and killed every man. Numbers 31:7

Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man. Numbers 31: 17-18
Not to beat a dead horse, but, again, we find the Lord ordering one group of human beings to slaughter another group of human beings (the adult men). But it's the secondary slaughter of the boys and the women (that have allowed themselves to be soiled) that shows the glory of the GOOD BOOK. As usual, in the Bible, young, hot, virgin girls are the most cherished prizes of the kill and become the possessions of the conquerors (one might wonder as to the lifespan of said virginity post-kidnapping). Damn this book warms the heart.

Babies are cute; don't kill them.

Daughter Babylon, doomed to destruction, happy is the one who repays you according to what you have done to us. Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks. Psalm 137: 8-9

That's just mean.

But what if I like my children and don't want them to die because I've abandoned them?

"Truly I tell you," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first." Mark 10: 29-31

Again, there seem to be a risk/reward venture with regard to Jesus and the afterlife. Sure, I could ditch my elderly mother, but maybe I'll get a hundred times better mother in the afterlife. Tough call. If only the Bible presented a clear message that all could agree on and understand.

Jesus is LOVE and FORGIVENESS

"If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea. If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out. And if your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell, where "'the worms that eat them do not die, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9: 42-48

This needs no sarcastic commentary; the wretchedness drips from it freely on its own.

I forgive you for robbing that old woman. She may still be a little upset.

When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, "Son, your sins are forgiven." Now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, "Why does this fellow talk like that? He's blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?" Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, "Why are you thinking these things? Which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up, take your mat and walk'? But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins." So he said to the man, "I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home." He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, "We have never seen anything like this!" Mark 2: 5-12

The author of Mark, decades after the supposed event that he was not witness to, QUOTES Jesus making a grand claim—the ability to forgive you for injuring someone else; essentially relieving you of the inherent responsibility of your transgression on that person. This concept is known as vicarious redemption.  Read more about vicarious redemption on this page.

What a dick!

...if you reject my decrees and abhor my laws and fail to carry out all my commands...I will bring on you sudden terror, wasting diseases and fever that will destroy your sight and sap your strength... I will set my face against you so that you will be defeated by your enemies; those who hate you will rule over you, and you will flee even when no one is pursuing you. I will punish you for your sins seven times over. I will multiply your afflictions seven times over, as your sins deserve... I will send wild animals against you, and they will rob you of your children, destroy your cattle and make you so few in number that your roads will be deserted....You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughter...I will destroy your high places, cut down your incense altars and pile your dead bodies on the lifeless forms of your idols, and I will abhor you. Blurbs from Leviticus 26: 14-30

Someone's singing, Lord, kumbayya;
Someone's singing, Lord, kumbayya;
Someone's singing, Lord, kumbayya,
O Lord, kumbayya.

And to Jacob, I bequeath 3 sheep, 7 goats and 11 sub-humans.

Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can bequeath them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly. Leviticus 25:44-46

OK, God, we get it! Certain people aren't really people. Thanks for clearly this up for us.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a priest's daughter defiles herself by becoming a prostitute, she disgraces her father; she must be burned in the fire. Leviticus 21:9

Naturally! What other option could there possibly be? God knows best.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again--Minority Report Edition

If a woman approaches an animal to have sexual relations with it, kill both the woman and the animal. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. Leviticus 20:16

As the horny women approaches the defenseless yet aroused donkey, the pre-cogs eyes start twitching, a wooden balls drops, cops in jet-packs descend and slaughter the woman and the donkey, and the universe's all-loving, omniscient creator's will is exacted. Now go to bed, kids.

Forget the halo, kill the girl...and the donkey.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he is to be put to death, and you must kill the animal. Leviticus 20:15

Meet Lamby-pie. She just got fucked by a lonely, sex-starved, Israelite. Sorry Lamby-pie, now you must die. 

But I told him, NOOOO! Why do I have to die?

Three laws sure to damn EVERY Christian.

Do not mate different kinds of animals. Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. Leviticus 19:19

Meet Susie. She's playing with her Labradoodle as she tends to her backyard tomato and zucchini plants while wearing a cotton-poly blend jumpsuit. See you in hell, Susie.

Now we know why cattle hate Rome.

If the anointed priest sins, bringing guilt on the people, he must bring to the Lord a young bull without defect as a sin offering for the sin he has committed .... He is to lay his hand on its head and slaughter it there before the Lord. Leviticus 4: 3-4

So let's just say, hypothetically, that an "anointed priest" molests a young boy (ridiculous, of course); that means that a bull needs to be slaughtered? That's not fair! Oh wait, in the Bible molesting children is probably not even much of a sin. The Bible triumphs again. Whew.

The REAL Ten Commandments

1: Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. Exodus 34:14

2: Be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land; for when they prostitute themselves to their gods and sacrifice to them, they will invite you and you will eat their sacrifices. And when you choose some of their daughters as wives for your sons and those daughters prostitute themselves to their gods, they will lead your sons to do the same. Exodus 34: 15-16

3: Do not make any idols. Exodus 34:17

4: Celebrate the Festival of Unleavened Bread. Exodus 34:18

5: The first offspring of every womb belongs to me, including all the firstborn males of your livestock, whether from herd or flock. Exodus 34:19

6: Redeem the firstborn donkey with a lamb, but if you do not redeem it, break its neck. Redeem all your firstborn sons. No one is to appear before me empty-handed. Exodus 34:20

7: Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest; even during the plowing season and harvest you must rest. Exodus 34:21

8: Celebrate the Festival of Weeks with the firstfruits of the wheat harvest, and the Festival of Ingathering at the turn of the year. Three times a year all your men are to appear before the Sovereign Lord, the God of Israel. I will drive out nations before you and enlarge your territory, and no one will covet your land when you go up three times each year to appear before the Lord your God. Exodus 34: 22-24

9: Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast, and do not let any of the sacrifice from the Passover Festival remain until morning. Exodus 34:25

10: Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the Lord your God. Do not cook a young goat in its mother's milk. Exodus 34:26

Then the Lord said to Moses, "Write down these words, for in accordance with these words I have made a covenant with you and with Israel." Moses was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights without eating bread or drinking water. And he wrote on the tablets the words of the covenant—the Ten Commandments. Exodus 34: 27:28

Let's see these, the real Ten Commandments, displayed in our courthouses! And don't disobey number seven...

These are the things the Lord has commanded you to do: For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a day of sabbath rest to the Lord. Whoever does any work on it is to be put to death. Exodus 35:1-2

Say what?

And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation." Exodus 34: 6-7

Um, are you hearing yourself, God? You just had us kill 3000 of our brothers, friends, and neighbors. Frankly God, you're coming across as a little bipolar. And how exactly does punishing future generations for their predecessors sins make you "abouding in love?" If I wasn't so afraid of you, I just might stop taking your calls.

Kill your brother for God. It's an order!

Then he said to them, "This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: 'Each man strap a sword to his side. Go back and forth through the camp from one end to the other, each killing his brother and friend and neighbor.'" Exodus 32:27

God seems to have been a great role model for some of our most successful totalitarian dictators.

Oh by the way: The Levites did as Moses commanded, and that day about three thousand of the people died. Exodus 32:28

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

"Observe the Sabbath, because it is holy to you. Anyone who desecrates it is to be put to death; those who do any work on that day must be cut off from their people." Exodus 31:14 "...Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day is to be put to death." Exodus 31:15

God also wanted people to be put to death for littering and for chewing on the left side of their mouths but he completely forgot to tell Moses.

GOD IS LOVE!

"My angel will go ahead of you and bring you into the land of the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Canaanites, Hivites and Jebusites, and I will wipe them out." Exodus 23:23

Just so everyone knows, this God is also the Jesus god. They are one and the same.

Kick your feet up Mr. Slave, it's Saturday!

"Six days do your work, but on the seventh day do not work, so that your ox and your donkey may rest, and so that the slave born in your household and the foreigner living among you may be refreshed." Exodus 23:12

Another way to refresh a slave is to not HAVE slaves because your morality is better than God's morality and you realize that slavery is not very nice and you know damn well that you wouldn't want to be a slave because being a slave blows.

It was a lonely night in the desert...

"Anyone who has sexual relations with an animal is to be put to death." Exodus 22:19

Or at the very least, mocked relentlessly on the internet.