The 476 Commandments

These are the commands the Lord gave Moses at Mount Sinai for the Israelites. Leviticus 27:34

If Alabama, or any other enlightened place, wants to display Gods commandments; they might want to display them ALL. This verse that ends Leviticus also ends a direct list of laws directly spoken from God that is almost too long to count.

The REAL Ten Commandments—Abbreviated for Alabama courthouses to display.

1: Worship no other Gods; I'm jealous.
2: Make no treaties.
3: Make no idols.
4: Celebrate the Festival of Unleavened Bread.
5: The first offspring of every womb belongs to me.
6: Redeem the firstborn donkey.
7: Honor the sabbath.
8: Celebrate the Festival of Weeks and the Festival of Ingathering
9: No blood sacrifices with yeast; no leftovers.
10: Bring the best firstfruits to God; don't cook a goat in its mother's milk.

Exodus 34: 14-26 abbreviated for use in public displays.

Moses was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights without eating bread or drinking water. And he wrote on the tablets the words of the covenant—the Ten Commandments. Exodus 34:28

The REAL Ten Commandments

1: Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. Exodus 34:14

2: Be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land; for when they prostitute themselves to their gods and sacrifice to them, they will invite you and you will eat their sacrifices. And when you choose some of their daughters as wives for your sons and those daughters prostitute themselves to their gods, they will lead your sons to do the same. Exodus 34: 15-16

3: Do not make any idols. Exodus 34:17

4: Celebrate the Festival of Unleavened Bread. Exodus 34:18

5: The first offspring of every womb belongs to me, including all the firstborn males of your livestock, whether from herd or flock. Exodus 34:19

6: Redeem the firstborn donkey with a lamb, but if you do not redeem it, break its neck. Redeem all your firstborn sons. No one is to appear before me empty-handed. Exodus 34:20

7: Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest; even during the plowing season and harvest you must rest. Exodus 34:21

8: Celebrate the Festival of Weeks with the firstfruits of the wheat harvest, and the Festival of Ingathering at the turn of the year. Three times a year all your men are to appear before the Sovereign Lord, the God of Israel. I will drive out nations before you and enlarge your territory, and no one will covet your land when you go up three times each year to appear before the Lord your God. Exodus 34: 22-24

9: Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast, and do not let any of the sacrifice from the Passover Festival remain until morning. Exodus 34:25

10: Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the Lord your God. Do not cook a young goat in its mother's milk. Exodus 34:26

Then the Lord said to Moses, "Write down these words, for in accordance with these words I have made a covenant with you and with Israel." Moses was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights without eating bread or drinking water. And he wrote on the tablets the words of the covenant—the Ten Commandments. Exodus 34: 27:28

Let's see these, the real Ten Commandments, displayed in our courthouses! And don't disobey number seven...

These are the things the Lord has commanded you to do: For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a day of sabbath rest to the Lord. Whoever does any work on it is to be put to death. Exodus 35:1-2

Antique Roadshow would have loved these.

When Moses approached the camp and saw the calf and the dancing, his anger burned and he threw the tablets out of his hands, breaking them to pieces at the foot of the mountain. Exodus 32:19

Had Moses had some self-control, those tablets would be worth a fortune today.

Remember: beat your slaves, just don't kill them.

"Anyone who beats their male or female slave with a rod must be punished if the slave dies as a direct result, but they are not to be punished if the slave recovers after a day or two, since the slave is their property. Exodus 21:20

Don't you just hate those pain-in-the-ass slaves that complain when you beat them? It's like they don't even know that God said it's OK.

Let the punishment fit the crime.

"Anyone who attacks their father or mother is to be put to death." Exodus 21:15 "Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Exodus 21:17

All you parents make sure to read these verses to the kids.

God really cares about slaves...and women?

"These are the laws you are to set before them:

"If you buy a Hebrew servant, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh year, he shall go free, without paying anything. If he comes alone, he is to go free alone; but if he has a wife when he comes, she is to go with him. If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the woman and her children shall belong to her master, and only the man shall go free. "But if the servant declares, 'I love my master and my wife and children and do not want to go free,' then his master must take him before the judges. He shall take him to the door or the doorpost and pierce his ear with an awl. Then he will be his servant for life.

"If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do. If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners, because he has broken faith with her. If he selects her for his son, he must grant her the rights of a daughter. If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money. Exodus 21: 1-11

No pity comment required.

Thanks a lot, Grandpa!

...for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me... Exodus 20:5

But God, I didn't do anything. It was my great grandfather that pissed you off and he was dead before I was even born. This punishment is so unfair. Screw it, I'm going to worship Ra.