Praise the great and powerful .... Simon????

Now for some time a man named Simon had practiced sorcery in the city and amazed all the people of Samaria. He boasted that he was someone great, and all the people, both high and low, gave him their attention and exclaimed, "This man is rightly called the Great Power of God." They followed him because he had amazed them for a long time with his sorcery. Acts 8: 9-11

Eventually, David Blaine garnered a following, and Simon was relegated to performing street magic in Barstow.

Who had better healing powers, the Apostles or Jesus? You decide.

The apostles performed many signs and wonders among the people. And all the believers used to meet together in Solomon's Colonnade. No one else dared join them, even though they were highly regarded by the people. Nevertheless, more and more men and women believed in the Lord and were added to their number. As a result, people brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and mats so that at least Peter's shadow might fall on some of them as he passed by. Crowds gathered also from the towns around Jerusalem, bringing their sick and those tormented by impure spirits, and all of them were healed. Acts 5: 12-16

Since the Apostles had a 12 to 1 advantage, the contest seems unfair. But then again, Jesus was actually Yahweh, so he probably had the edge.

It's called a seizure, dickhead. There are no such things as demons.

A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not." Mark 9:17-18  When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit. "You deaf and mute spirit," he said, "I command you, come out of him and never enter him again." Mark 9:25

Of course, since the boy had a real medical condition and not a demon that required a Ghostbuster; he had another seizure later that day. You see, throughout the vast majority of human history, human beings were completely ignorant about seizures, cancer, embolisms, kidney stones, cardiac arrest, mental disorders, germs, lightning, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, thunder, volcanoes, eclipses, and thousands of other things that mystified them, frightened them, and killed them out of the blue. Is it really so mysterious why religions evolved?

Been there; done that.

"How many loaves do you have?" Jesus asked. "Seven," they replied. Mark 8:5 The people ate and were satisfied. Afterward the disciples picked up seven basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. About four thousand were present. Mark 8: 8-9

Of course, the crowd was fickle; they had seen this trick before and most of their tweets panned Jesus' act at old and needing a bigger finish.

Jesus performs miracles and cleans ears.

There some people brought to him a man who was deaf and could hardly talk, and they begged Jesus to place his hand on him. After he took him aside, away from the crowd, Jesus put his fingers into the man's ears. Then he spit and touched the man's tongue. Mark 7: 32-33

If only Q-tips had been invented.

Cirque du So-Jesus

Shortly before dawn he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. Mark 6: 48-49

To be fair, any being capable of creating billions of galaxies in the blink of an eye shouldn't have much trouble walking across a lake. Next time, do it juggling knives while chewing gum and we'll really be impressed.

Jesus is Top Chef

"How many loaves do you have?" he asked. "Go and see." When they found out, they said, "Five—and two fish." ...  They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish. The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand. Mark 6: 38, 42-44

This Bible story is particularly perplexing to starving people throughout the world. Alas, God must have his reasons for their perpetual hunger. (Note: with so much wasted food, Bible scholars suspect the crowd around Jesus that day to be obese American tourists.)

Stay thirsty my friends.

A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. Mark 4: 37-39 They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!" Mark 4:41

He's not Jesus. He the most interesting man in the world.

I forgive you for robbing that old woman. She may still be a little upset.

When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, "Son, your sins are forgiven." Now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, "Why does this fellow talk like that? He's blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?" Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, "Why are you thinking these things? Which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up, take your mat and walk'? But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins." So he said to the man, "I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home." He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, "We have never seen anything like this!" Mark 2: 5-12

The author of Mark, decades after the supposed event that he was not witness to, QUOTES Jesus making a grand claim—the ability to forgive you for injuring someone else; essentially relieving you of the inherent responsibility of your transgression on that person. This concept is known as vicarious redemption.  Read more about vicarious redemption on this page.

Some...Demons be gone!

That evening after sunset the people brought to Jesus all the sick and demon-possessed. The whole town gathered at the door, and Jesus healed many who had various diseases. He also drove out many demons, but he would not let the demons speak because they knew who he was. Mark 1:32-34

Relevant take-aways from this passage:
1) Galilee must have been one wild, demon-filled place.
2) Jesus healed many (not all), which means that he sent some people home still riddled with disease. Poor bastards.
3) Jesus drove out many (not all) demons, which means that some people went home with their heads still spinning and scaring the crap out of small children.
4) While healing the sick and chasing away demons while at the same time censoring the demons, Jesus simultaneously tried to be a public mystic while remaining incognito about his god-ness. Talk about confusing.

Ma! The Meatloaf!

Simon's mother-in-law was in bed with a fever, and they immediately told Jesus about her. So he went to her, took her hand and helped her up. The fever left her and she began to wait on them. Mark 1:30-31

Little known fact; after she waited on the boys and they left, she collapsed and was rushed to the ER with pneumonia. True story.

What is she doing?!

Cloudy With A Chance Of Pita.

Then the Lord said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. Exodus 16:4

Of course, those on the Atkins Diet were a little dismayed.

Yawn.

Then Moses cried out to the Lord, and the Lord showed him a piece of wood. He threw it into the water, and the water became fit to drink. Exodus 15: 25

Somewhat anticlimactic after parting the sea; though, considering how thirsty the Israelites were after three days in the desert without water, they might have enjoyed this trick even more.

Sea World

Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left. Exodus 14:21-22

In true religious fashion, Moses "asked for a donation" of three shekels from each Israelite in order to enjoy the world's first aquarium. Of course, the donations were tax deductible.

Good thing the Jews installed those generators a few weeks earlier.

Then the Lord said to Moses, "Stretch out your hand toward the sky so that darkness spreads over Egypt—darkness that can be felt." So Moses stretched out his hand toward the sky, and total darkness covered all Egypt for three days. No one could see anyone else or move about for three days. Yet all the Israelites had light in the places where they lived. Exodus 10: 21-23

You can imagine God's dismay when a flurry of bonfires lit up the Egyptian landscape.

Thus driving down prices on locust futures.

This is what the Lord...says...Let my people go, so that they may worship me. If you refuse to let them go, I will bring locusts into your country tomorrow. They will cover the face of the ground so that it cannot be seen. They will devour what little you have left after the hail, including every tree that is growing in your fields. They will fill your houses and those of all your officials and all the Egyptians. Exodus 10: 3-6

Surprising, God seems unconcerned with the environmental impact of such a mess.

Sucks to be an Egytian sheep.

This is what the Lord, the God of the Hebrews, says: "Let my people go, so that they may worship me."  If you refuse to let them go and continue to hold them back, the hand of the Lord will bring a terrible plague on your livestock in the field—on your horses, donkeys and camels and on your cattle, sheep and goats. But the Lord will make a distinction between the livestock of Israel and that of Egypt, so that no animal belonging to the Israelites will die.'" Exodus 9:1-4

Listening in on an Egyptian lamb: "Shalom God. How goes it? No. No. I'm a Jewish lamb, really! Well, I'm off to temple, catch you later. Baahhhhhhh."

Getting old, fast.

Then the Lord said to Moses ... Let my people go, so that they may worship me. If you do not let my people go, I will send swarms of flies on you and your officials, on your people and into your houses. Exodus 8:20-21

So far: blood, frogs, gnats, and now flies. Property values in downtown Cairo have gone to shit. 

G-not working; Pharoh holding strong.

Then the Lord said to Moses, "Tell Aaron, 'Stretch out your staff and strike the dust of the ground,' and throughout the land of Egypt the dust will become gnats."  Exodus 8:16

...gnats came on people and animals. All the dust throughout the land of Egypt became gnats. Exodus 8:17'

HEY GOD! YOU'RE GOD! You don't need to torture people to get one man to obey you. Just fold your arms and blink like on I Dream Of Jeannie or Bewitched.

Frog-a-licious

Then the Lord said to Moses, "Go to Pharaoh and say to him, 'This is what the Lord says: Let my people go, so that they may worship me. If you refuse to let them go, I will send a plague of frogs on your whole country. Exodus 8:1-2

The same deity that created billions of stars per billions of galaxies has to go to the frog card to get his message across. That's kind of hacky, bro.