Then Shrek came and saved the day!

When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord, it lay down under Balaam, and he was angry and beat it with his staff. Then the Lord opened the donkey's mouth, and it said to Balaam, "What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times? "Balaam answered the donkey, "You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now." Numbers 22: 27-29

I'll see your talking snake, and raise you a talking donkey. Awesome!

The Dead White Meat

A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside. The demons begged Jesus, "Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them." He gave them permission, and the impure spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned. Mark 5: 11-13

That's a lot of demon swine.

I think a demon just jumped into my body. Crap! Hey, let's go swimming.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again--Minority Report Edition

If a woman approaches an animal to have sexual relations with it, kill both the woman and the animal. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. Leviticus 20:16

As the horny women approaches the defenseless yet aroused donkey, the pre-cogs eyes start twitching, a wooden balls drops, cops in jet-packs descend and slaughter the woman and the donkey, and the universe's all-loving, omniscient creator's will is exacted. Now go to bed, kids.

Forget the halo, kill the girl...and the donkey.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he is to be put to death, and you must kill the animal. Leviticus 20:15

Meet Lamby-pie. She just got fucked by a lonely, sex-starved, Israelite. Sorry Lamby-pie, now you must die. 

But I told him, NOOOO! Why do I have to die?

So Tijuana donkey shows must really be perversions.

Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion. Leviticus 18:23

This verse is enthusiastically endorsed by the Abstinence Only Animal Group on Facebook.

Now we know why cattle hate Rome.

If the anointed priest sins, bringing guilt on the people, he must bring to the Lord a young bull without defect as a sin offering for the sin he has committed .... He is to lay his hand on its head and slaughter it there before the Lord. Leviticus 4: 3-4

So let's just say, hypothetically, that an "anointed priest" molests a young boy (ridiculous, of course); that means that a bull needs to be slaughtered? That's not fair! Oh wait, in the Bible molesting children is probably not even much of a sin. The Bible triumphs again. Whew.

North Side Records presents....

You are to slaughter it [sheep or goat] at the north side of the altar before the Lord, and Aaron's sons the priests shall splash its blood against the sides of the altar. Leviticus 1:11

With so much "burnt offering" instruction to choose from, this just seems particularly fun for the kids.

God LOVES the smell of good BBQ.

"Then take all the fat on the internal organs, the long lobe of the liver, and both kidneys with the fat on them, and burn them on the altar. But burn the bull's flesh and its hide and its intestines outside the camp. It is a sin offering." Exodus 29:13-14

Internal organs, good. Flesh and hide, bad. Obviously. Any paranoid deity knows such things.

Mommy goats have feelings, too.

"Do not cook a young goat in its mother's milk." Exodus 23:19

This is the verse that led so many candidates to run on "family values" in the US.

It was a lonely night in the desert...

"Anyone who has sexual relations with an animal is to be put to death." Exodus 22:19

Or at the very least, mocked relentlessly on the internet.

BULL-Shit

If the bull gores a male or female slave, the owner must pay thirty shekels of silver to the master of the slave, and the bull is to be stoned to death. Exodus 21:32

Said the bull, "I'm a bull, fucktard, I gore people. And not for nothin', since I gored the slave maybe the slave should get the cash. Hey, stop throwing rocks at me, asshole."

Fastest way to piss-off Shrek.

Redeem with a lamb every firstborn donkey, but if you do not redeem it, break its neck. Exodus 13:13

Obscure Dead Sea Scroll fragments show illustrations of donkey stables with the letters WTF scratched out by hooves. (Wait! Misread. Are we supposed to break the lambs necks? You see, this is why it's so difficult to directly obey God's word.)

Does he have a petting zoo up there?

The Lord said to Moses, "Consecrate to me every firstborn male. The first offspring of every womb among the Israelites belongs to me, whether human or animal." Exodus 13:1

What about first laid eggs?

The Lord is a vindictive baby killer.

So Moses said, "This is what the Lord says: 'About midnight I will go throughout Egypt. Every firstborn son in Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh, who sits on the throne, to the firstborn son of the female slave, who is at her hand mill, and all the firstborn of the cattle as well. (The cattle were heard asking, "what the fuck did we do?") Exodus 11: 4-6

On a lighter note, the female slaves grinding away on hand mills no longer had the arduous tasks of caring for their infants, thus doubling their production.