The 476 Commandments

These are the commands the Lord gave Moses at Mount Sinai for the Israelites. Leviticus 27:34

If Alabama, or any other enlightened place, wants to display Gods commandments; they might want to display them ALL. This verse that ends Leviticus also ends a direct list of laws directly spoken from God that is almost too long to count.

Sins of the father...blah, blah, blah.

Those of you who are left will waste away in the lands of their enemies because of their sins; also because of their ancestors' sins they will waste away. Leviticus 26:39

What a dick!

...if you reject my decrees and abhor my laws and fail to carry out all my commands...I will bring on you sudden terror, wasting diseases and fever that will destroy your sight and sap your strength... I will set my face against you so that you will be defeated by your enemies; those who hate you will rule over you, and you will flee even when no one is pursuing you. I will punish you for your sins seven times over. I will multiply your afflictions seven times over, as your sins deserve... I will send wild animals against you, and they will rob you of your children, destroy your cattle and make you so few in number that your roads will be deserted....You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughter...I will destroy your high places, cut down your incense altars and pile your dead bodies on the lifeless forms of your idols, and I will abhor you. Blurbs from Leviticus 26: 14-30

Someone's singing, Lord, kumbayya;
Someone's singing, Lord, kumbayya;
Someone's singing, Lord, kumbayya,
O Lord, kumbayya.

And to Jacob, I bequeath 3 sheep, 7 goats and 11 sub-humans.

Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can bequeath them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly. Leviticus 25:44-46

OK, God, we get it! Certain people aren't really people. Thanks for clearly this up for us.

God sounds like a Socialist.

If you sell land to any of your own people or buy land from them, do not take advantage of each other. You are to buy from your own people on the basis of the number of years since the Jubilee. And they are to sell to you on the basis of the number of years left for harvesting crops. Leviticus 25:14-15

Not to pigeonhole God as a socialist, the following verses list a litany of real estate law that could label God as anything from a capitalist to a communist. Perhaps the relevant factor here is why an omniscience creator so resembles a real estate attorney.

Maybe it's a euphemism?

Then Moses spoke to the Israelites, and they took the blasphemer outside the camp and stoned him. The Israelites did as the Lord commanded Moses. Leviticus 24:23

Once archeologists find that first bong in ancient Israeli excavations, we'll know that God simply wanted blasphemers to get really baked and chill out.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

Then the Lord said to Moses: "Take the blasphemer outside the camp. All those who heard him are to lay their hands on his head, and the entire assembly is to stone him. Say to the Israelites: 'Anyone who curses their God will be held responsible; anyone who blasphemes the name of the Lord is to be put to death. The entire assembly must stone them. Whether foreigner or native-born, when they blaspheme the Name they are to be put to death. Leviticus 24:13-16

Pretty fucking hard to misinterpret this holy scripture. Probably not a frequent read in Sunday School.

God loves everyone equally, unless they have damaged testicles.

The Lord said to Moses, "Say to Aaron: 'For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the food offerings to the Lord. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the Lord, who makes them holy.'" Leviticus 21: 17-23

Some people might take these sacred, holy words to be preposterous; but let's face it, they make perfect sense. Just image a group surrounding the altar consisting of dwarfs, hunchbacks, blind guys bumping into each other, guys with swollen balls, guys with clubbed feet, guys with festering sores, guys with damaged retinas (????); the altar would resemble the bar scene in Star Wars. God has a sense of style after all; he's got his standards. Perhaps it best that we trust God on this one.

Sorry Lance, you only have one nut. Get the hell away from the altar.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a priest's daughter defiles herself by becoming a prostitute, she disgraces her father; she must be burned in the fire. Leviticus 21:9

Naturally! What other option could there possibly be? God knows best.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

A man or woman who is a medium or spiritist among you must be put to death. You are to stone them; their blood will be on their own heads. Leviticus 20:26

So, if a person essentially pretends to have magic intuitive powers that don't exist (something that an omniscient deity should understand as a scam) the only logical punishment is death. Check.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again--Minority Report Edition

If a woman approaches an animal to have sexual relations with it, kill both the woman and the animal. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. Leviticus 20:16

As the horny women approaches the defenseless yet aroused donkey, the pre-cogs eyes start twitching, a wooden balls drops, cops in jet-packs descend and slaughter the woman and the donkey, and the universe's all-loving, omniscient creator's will is exacted. Now go to bed, kids.

Forget the halo, kill the girl...and the donkey.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he is to be put to death, and you must kill the animal. Leviticus 20:15

Meet Lamby-pie. She just got fucked by a lonely, sex-starved, Israelite. Sorry Lamby-pie, now you must die. 

But I told him, NOOOO! Why do I have to die?

Got MILF

If a man marries both a woman and her mother, it is wicked. Both he and they must be burned in the fire, so that no wickedness will be among you. Leviticus 20:14

Burned alive for a little mom-daughter action; that's a bit harsh. I can't imagine the penalty for raping children: oh, yeah, the Bible (and the Catholic church) don't really seem to be bothered by that.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a man commits adultery with another man's wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress are to be put to death. Leviticus 20:10

No wiggle-room here (pun intended). What God fails to mention in this verse is if there are exceptions for really hot neighbors. He should have also clarified if webcam sex was also classified as a capital offense.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Leviticus 20:9

This one kind of makes it tough to be a Bible literalist without attaching a lot of bullshit rationalization to it.

Yes Christians, you have to OBEY every word of the Bible. Enjoy the new 'do.

Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard. Leviticus 19:27

Hey God. Does this apply to men and women?

God loves (especially female) slaves?

If a man sleeps with a female slave who is promised to another man but who has not been ransomed or given her freedom, there must be due punishment. Yet they are not to be put to death, because she had not been freed. Leviticus 19:20

Remember, this women, this creature created and loved by God Almighty, is, after-all, nothing more than the property of a man that is free to fuck her when he pleases. Fortunately for the slave, I mean person, as God so lovingly states himself in this verse, there are rules as to who can fuck her and when they can fuck her. God is good. (Note: if you find the word "fuck" off-putting, imagine how you'd find being "owned" and "fucked" against your will by a fellow human being.)

Three laws sure to damn EVERY Christian.

Do not mate different kinds of animals. Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. Leviticus 19:19

Meet Susie. She's playing with her Labradoodle as she tends to her backyard tomato and zucchini plants while wearing a cotton-poly blend jumpsuit. See you in hell, Susie.

So Tijuana donkey shows must really be perversions.

Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion. Leviticus 18:23

This verse is enthusiastically endorsed by the Abstinence Only Animal Group on Facebook.

God hates fags.

Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable. Leviticus 18:21

Due to translation questions, it might be that God really hates figs, flags, fog, hags, bags, pugs, pigs, or maybe Justin Timberlake. We're just not sure.