No guts, no glory.

~ Thanks to Greg S. for the submission.

(With the payment he received for his wickedness, Judas bought a field; there he fell headlong, his body burst open and all his intestines spilled out. Acts 1:18

Little known fact; as Judas lay prone with his guts pulsating around his dying body, a slight snicker could be heard from just behind a near tree. The source of that snicker was a man wearing a red and black sweater. It all makes sense if you bother to research the details.

God needs to learn to either take a deep breath or take a valium before he makes big decisions.

The Lord said to Moses, "Take all the leaders of these people, kill them and expose them in broad daylight before the Lord, so that the Lord's fierce anger may turn away from Israel." Numbers 25:4

No snarky commentary necessary.

Don't bitch about your food or God will kill you with snakes.

"Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? There is no bread! There is no water! And we detest this miserable food!" Then the Lord sent venomous snakes among them; they bit the people and many Israelites died. Numbers 21: 5-6
This is why Jews still choke down gefilte fish; they're afraid of snakes.

Who's more dangerous, God or Godzilla?

As soon as he finished saying all this, the ground under them split apart and the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them and their households, and all those associated with Korah, together with their possessions. They went down alive into the realm of the dead, with everything they owned; the earth closed over them, and they perished and were gone from the community. At their cries, all the Israelites around them fled, shouting, "The earth is going to swallow us too!" And fire came out from the Lord and consumed the 250 men who were offering the incense. Number 16: 31-35

Tough call.

God sentences man to death for picking up sticks. Seriously.

While the Israelites were in the wilderness, a man was found gathering wood on the Sabbath day. Those who found him gathering wood brought him to Moses and Aaron and the whole assembly, and they kept him in custody, because it was not clear what should be done to him. Then the Lord said to Moses, "The man must die. The whole assembly must stone him outside the camp." So the assembly took him outside the camp and stoned him to death, as the Lord commanded Moses. Numbers15: 32-36

As the man's skull was being crushed by the blunt stones and brain matter splattered the ground, love and joy spread amongst the people as God's direct will was done as commanded. Oh, the glory.

Little white lie = burn in hell. Crap.

But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death. Revelation 21:8

This guy should be OK.

That's right baby! Never told a lie.

Hot! Hot! Hot!

Anyone whose name was not found written in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire. Revelation 20:15

Of course. Who in their right mind would jump in voluntarily? Sounds dreadful. We recommend sunblock 5,000,000,000,000,000,000 for those not listed in the good book.

God serves man seven bowls of excrement. But He loves you.

NOTE: These verses read much better on acid or mushrooms.   
     The first angel went and poured out his bowl on the land, and ugly, festering sores broke out on the people who had the mark of the beast and worshiped its image. Revelation 16:2

     The second angel poured out his bowl on the sea, and it turned into blood like that of a dead person, and every living thing in the sea died. Revelation 16:3

     The fourth angel poured out his bowl on the sun, and the sun was allowed to scorch people with fire. They were seared by the intense heat and they cursed the name of God, who had control over these plagues, but they refused to repent and glorify him. Revelation 16: 8-9

     The fifth angel poured out his bowl on the throne of the beast, and its kingdom was plunged into darkness. People gnawed their tongues in agony and cursed the God of heaven because of their pains and their sores, but they refused to repent of what they had done. Revelation 16: 10-11

     The sixth angel poured out his bowl on the great river Euphrates, and its water was dried up to prepare the way for the kings from the East. Then I saw three impure spirits that looked like frogs; they came out of the mouth of the dragon, out of the mouth of the beast and out of the mouth of the false prophet. Revelation 16:12-13 

     The seventh angel poured out his bowl into the air, and out of the temple came a loud voice from the throne, saying, "It is done!" Then there came flashes of lightning, rumblings, peals of thunder and a severe earthquake. Revelation 16: 17-18 Every island fled away and the mountains could not be found. From the sky huge hailstones, each weighing about a hundred pounds, fell on people. And they cursed God on account of the plague of hail, because the plague was so terrible. Revelation 16: 20-21

If you've made it through this inspirational list and still need proof of God's love for mankind, we may not be able to help you.

The disciples didn't believe Jesus, why should you? (Zombie Jesus lays out the ground rules.)

NOTE: These verses all take place after Jesus comes back from the dead and are NOT found in the earliest manuscripts. Likely conclusion: these verses were added AFTER the earliest manuscripts were written, which were written decades after the supposed events. You get the point.

When Jesus rose early on the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had driven seven demons. She went and told those who had been with him and who were mourning and weeping. When they heard that Jesus was alive and that she had seen him, they did not believe it. Afterward Jesus appeared in a different form to two of them while they were walking in the country.  These returned and reported it to the rest; but they did not believe them either. Later Jesus appeared to the Eleven as they were eating; he rebuked them for their lack of faith and their stubborn refusal to believe those who had seen him after he had risen. He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well." After the Lord Jesus had spoken to them, he was taken up into heaven and he sat at the right hand of God.  Then the disciples went out and preached everywhere, and the Lord worked with them and confirmed his word by the signs that accompanied it. Mark 16: 9-20

No need to ridicule these verses. They do just fine on their own.

Shouldn't I get a reward?

Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me—one who is eating with me. Mark 14:18 The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Man! It would be better for him if he had not been born. Mark 14:21

Judas was heard murmuring, "this is bullshit, you need me to rat you out to fulfill your destiny." (Of course, one might wonder why a FAMOUS man that cured the sick, raised the dead, chased away demons, and performed all sorts of wondrous public parlor tricks would need to be identified to the men that sought to have him killed. But let's not concern ourselves with such trivia.)

That's him! The guy on the right.

Jesus is LOVE and FORGIVENESS

"If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea. If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out. And if your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell, where "'the worms that eat them do not die, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9: 42-48

This needs no sarcastic commentary; the wretchedness drips from it freely on its own.

Communication skills.

He told them, "The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you. But to those on the outside everything is said in parables so that, "'they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding; otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!'" Mark 4: 11-12

He did not say anything to them without using a parable. But when he was alone with his own disciples, he explained everything. Mark 4:34

Considering that those on the "outside" are not meant to understand Jesus' words; is it fair to punish them for eternity for being unbelievers? Perhaps an omniscient deity would have a clearer message.

Talk about holding a grudge.

But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin. Mark 3:29

And yet we are taught as little children that Jesus is all about love and forgiveness. Hmmm? Jesus' words seem to contradict that.

Maybe it's a euphemism?

Then Moses spoke to the Israelites, and they took the blasphemer outside the camp and stoned him. The Israelites did as the Lord commanded Moses. Leviticus 24:23

Once archeologists find that first bong in ancient Israeli excavations, we'll know that God simply wanted blasphemers to get really baked and chill out.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

Then the Lord said to Moses: "Take the blasphemer outside the camp. All those who heard him are to lay their hands on his head, and the entire assembly is to stone him. Say to the Israelites: 'Anyone who curses their God will be held responsible; anyone who blasphemes the name of the Lord is to be put to death. The entire assembly must stone them. Whether foreigner or native-born, when they blaspheme the Name they are to be put to death. Leviticus 24:13-16

Pretty fucking hard to misinterpret this holy scripture. Probably not a frequent read in Sunday School.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a priest's daughter defiles herself by becoming a prostitute, she disgraces her father; she must be burned in the fire. Leviticus 21:9

Naturally! What other option could there possibly be? God knows best.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

A man or woman who is a medium or spiritist among you must be put to death. You are to stone them; their blood will be on their own heads. Leviticus 20:26

So, if a person essentially pretends to have magic intuitive powers that don't exist (something that an omniscient deity should understand as a scam) the only logical punishment is death. Check.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again--Minority Report Edition

If a woman approaches an animal to have sexual relations with it, kill both the woman and the animal. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. Leviticus 20:16

As the horny women approaches the defenseless yet aroused donkey, the pre-cogs eyes start twitching, a wooden balls drops, cops in jet-packs descend and slaughter the woman and the donkey, and the universe's all-loving, omniscient creator's will is exacted. Now go to bed, kids.

Forget the halo, kill the girl...and the donkey.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he is to be put to death, and you must kill the animal. Leviticus 20:15

Meet Lamby-pie. She just got fucked by a lonely, sex-starved, Israelite. Sorry Lamby-pie, now you must die. 

But I told him, NOOOO! Why do I have to die?

Got MILF

If a man marries both a woman and her mother, it is wicked. Both he and they must be burned in the fire, so that no wickedness will be among you. Leviticus 20:14

Burned alive for a little mom-daughter action; that's a bit harsh. I can't imagine the penalty for raping children: oh, yeah, the Bible (and the Catholic church) don't really seem to be bothered by that.