God serves man seven bowls of excrement. But He loves you.

NOTE: These verses read much better on acid or mushrooms.   
     The first angel went and poured out his bowl on the land, and ugly, festering sores broke out on the people who had the mark of the beast and worshiped its image. Revelation 16:2

     The second angel poured out his bowl on the sea, and it turned into blood like that of a dead person, and every living thing in the sea died. Revelation 16:3

     The fourth angel poured out his bowl on the sun, and the sun was allowed to scorch people with fire. They were seared by the intense heat and they cursed the name of God, who had control over these plagues, but they refused to repent and glorify him. Revelation 16: 8-9

     The fifth angel poured out his bowl on the throne of the beast, and its kingdom was plunged into darkness. People gnawed their tongues in agony and cursed the God of heaven because of their pains and their sores, but they refused to repent of what they had done. Revelation 16: 10-11

     The sixth angel poured out his bowl on the great river Euphrates, and its water was dried up to prepare the way for the kings from the East. Then I saw three impure spirits that looked like frogs; they came out of the mouth of the dragon, out of the mouth of the beast and out of the mouth of the false prophet. Revelation 16:12-13 

     The seventh angel poured out his bowl into the air, and out of the temple came a loud voice from the throne, saying, "It is done!" Then there came flashes of lightning, rumblings, peals of thunder and a severe earthquake. Revelation 16: 17-18 Every island fled away and the mountains could not be found. From the sky huge hailstones, each weighing about a hundred pounds, fell on people. And they cursed God on account of the plague of hail, because the plague was so terrible. Revelation 16: 20-21

If you've made it through this inspirational list and still need proof of God's love for mankind, we may not be able to help you.

Any last words, Jesus?

And at three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?" (which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"). Mark 15:34 

About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eli, Eli,t lema sabachthani?" (which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"). Luke 23:46

Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." When he had said this, he breathed his last. Matthew 27:44

When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. John 19:30


     The fact that from the four Gospels writers, we've been given three separate collections of Jesus' last words, poses very little problem for believing Christians that are actually aware of this somewhat glaring discrepancy. Most commonly one might hear an explanation of the dilemma as, "Would you expect the writers' accounts to match? It would be like four independent descriptions of a car crash. Naturally, there would be discrepancies." That's all well and good, however, being that thousands of direct quotations from Bible characters, as well as narrators, are used to promote, defend, or enact certain dogmatic ideals, it seems relevant whether the statements or quotations being utilized were actually spoken or not. 
     For Jesus' last words, there are five options. 1) Mark and Luke were accurate. 2) Matthew was accurate. 3) John was accurate. 4) None of them are accurate. Jesus spoke some other words. 5) The story was invented.
     For Christians, this begs the questions as to what of the Bible is real and what of the Bible is invented, what of the Bible has been passed down and interpreted correctly and what has not, and perhaps most importantly, whether the "truthfulness" of the Bible in whole or in part even matters to an particular individual. Since such matters tend to be complicated, it's no wonder that so many Christians accept IT ALL to be true without regard for book's accuracy or viability. 
     In short: Is it true? Is it not true? Do you care?

The Dead White Meat

A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside. The demons begged Jesus, "Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them." He gave them permission, and the impure spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned. Mark 5: 11-13

That's a lot of demon swine.

I think a demon just jumped into my body. Crap! Hey, let's go swimming.

I forgive you for robbing that old woman. She may still be a little upset.

When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, "Son, your sins are forgiven." Now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, "Why does this fellow talk like that? He's blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?" Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, "Why are you thinking these things? Which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up, take your mat and walk'? But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins." So he said to the man, "I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home." He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, "We have never seen anything like this!" Mark 2: 5-12

The author of Mark, decades after the supposed event that he was not witness to, QUOTES Jesus making a grand claim—the ability to forgive you for injuring someone else; essentially relieving you of the inherent responsibility of your transgression on that person. This concept is known as vicarious redemption.  Read more about vicarious redemption on this page.

What a dick!

...if you reject my decrees and abhor my laws and fail to carry out all my commands...I will bring on you sudden terror, wasting diseases and fever that will destroy your sight and sap your strength... I will set my face against you so that you will be defeated by your enemies; those who hate you will rule over you, and you will flee even when no one is pursuing you. I will punish you for your sins seven times over. I will multiply your afflictions seven times over, as your sins deserve... I will send wild animals against you, and they will rob you of your children, destroy your cattle and make you so few in number that your roads will be deserted....You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughter...I will destroy your high places, cut down your incense altars and pile your dead bodies on the lifeless forms of your idols, and I will abhor you. Blurbs from Leviticus 26: 14-30

Someone's singing, Lord, kumbayya;
Someone's singing, Lord, kumbayya;
Someone's singing, Lord, kumbayya,
O Lord, kumbayya.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

Then the Lord said to Moses: "Take the blasphemer outside the camp. All those who heard him are to lay their hands on his head, and the entire assembly is to stone him. Say to the Israelites: 'Anyone who curses their God will be held responsible; anyone who blasphemes the name of the Lord is to be put to death. The entire assembly must stone them. Whether foreigner or native-born, when they blaspheme the Name they are to be put to death. Leviticus 24:13-16

Pretty fucking hard to misinterpret this holy scripture. Probably not a frequent read in Sunday School.

God loves everyone equally, unless they have damaged testicles.

The Lord said to Moses, "Say to Aaron: 'For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the food offerings to the Lord. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the Lord, who makes them holy.'" Leviticus 21: 17-23

Some people might take these sacred, holy words to be preposterous; but let's face it, they make perfect sense. Just image a group surrounding the altar consisting of dwarfs, hunchbacks, blind guys bumping into each other, guys with swollen balls, guys with clubbed feet, guys with festering sores, guys with damaged retinas (????); the altar would resemble the bar scene in Star Wars. God has a sense of style after all; he's got his standards. Perhaps it best that we trust God on this one.

Sorry Lance, you only have one nut. Get the hell away from the altar.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a priest's daughter defiles herself by becoming a prostitute, she disgraces her father; she must be burned in the fire. Leviticus 21:9

Naturally! What other option could there possibly be? God knows best.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again--Minority Report Edition

If a woman approaches an animal to have sexual relations with it, kill both the woman and the animal. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. Leviticus 20:16

As the horny women approaches the defenseless yet aroused donkey, the pre-cogs eyes start twitching, a wooden balls drops, cops in jet-packs descend and slaughter the woman and the donkey, and the universe's all-loving, omniscient creator's will is exacted. Now go to bed, kids.

Forget the halo, kill the girl...and the donkey.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he is to be put to death, and you must kill the animal. Leviticus 20:15

Meet Lamby-pie. She just got fucked by a lonely, sex-starved, Israelite. Sorry Lamby-pie, now you must die. 

But I told him, NOOOO! Why do I have to die?

Got MILF

If a man marries both a woman and her mother, it is wicked. Both he and they must be burned in the fire, so that no wickedness will be among you. Leviticus 20:14

Burned alive for a little mom-daughter action; that's a bit harsh. I can't imagine the penalty for raping children: oh, yeah, the Bible (and the Catholic church) don't really seem to be bothered by that.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Leviticus 20:9

This one kind of makes it tough to be a Bible literalist without attaching a lot of bullshit rationalization to it.

The REAL Ten Commandments—Abbreviated for Alabama courthouses to display.

1: Worship no other Gods; I'm jealous.
2: Make no treaties.
3: Make no idols.
4: Celebrate the Festival of Unleavened Bread.
5: The first offspring of every womb belongs to me.
6: Redeem the firstborn donkey.
7: Honor the sabbath.
8: Celebrate the Festival of Weeks and the Festival of Ingathering
9: No blood sacrifices with yeast; no leftovers.
10: Bring the best firstfruits to God; don't cook a goat in its mother's milk.

Exodus 34: 14-26 abbreviated for use in public displays.

Moses was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights without eating bread or drinking water. And he wrote on the tablets the words of the covenant—the Ten Commandments. Exodus 34:28

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

"Observe the Sabbath, because it is holy to you. Anyone who desecrates it is to be put to death; those who do any work on that day must be cut off from their people." Exodus 31:14 "...Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day is to be put to death." Exodus 31:15

God also wanted people to be put to death for littering and for chewing on the left side of their mouths but he completely forgot to tell Moses.

Kick your feet up Mr. Slave, it's Saturday!

"Six days do your work, but on the seventh day do not work, so that your ox and your donkey may rest, and so that the slave born in your household and the foreigner living among you may be refreshed." Exodus 23:12

Another way to refresh a slave is to not HAVE slaves because your morality is better than God's morality and you realize that slavery is not very nice and you know damn well that you wouldn't want to be a slave because being a slave blows.