No. Really, guys. It's ME. IT'S ME!

After his suffering, he presented himself to them and gave many convincing proofs that he was alive. He appeared to them over a period of forty days and spoke about the kingdom of God. Acts 1:3

How difficult is it for an omnipotent deity to convince twelve humans that he created, and that he warned that he would return from the dead (just like every other proper god of the era), that he'd actually returned? Did he come back with a Scottish accent? Did he come back looking like Liza Minnelli? Did he come back as a hedgehog?

The creator of the universe is definitely for the death penalty.

If anyone strikes someone a fatal blow with an iron object, that person is a murderer; the murderer is to be put to death. Or if anyone is holding a stone and strikes someone a fatal blow with it, that person is a murderer; the murderer is to be put to death. Or if anyone is holding a wooden object and strikes someone a fatal blow with it, that person is a murderer; the murderer is to be put to death. Numbers 35: 16-18
God must be from Texas. (Note: this blog takes no stand on capitol punishment. The ridiculous nature of this passage is solely due to the creator of the universe's incredible concern with a small group of a particular species, nestled on a tiny speck of a rock in a distant corner of a massive universe. Yee-haw!)

The worst road trip EVER.

Alternate title: Are we there yet?
This is a LONG post. Click "continue reading" to experience the full "suck" of this roadie.

Numbers 32

1Here are the stages in the journey of the Israelites when they came out of Egypt by divisions under the leadership of Moses and Aaron.2 At the Lord's command Moses recorded the stages in their journey. This is their journey by stages:

3 The Israelites set out from Rameses on the fifteenth day of the first month, the day after the Passover. They marched out defiantly in full view of all the Egyptians,4 who were burying all their firstborn, whom the Lord had struck down among them; for the Lord had brought judgment on their gods.

5 The Israelites left Rameses and camped at Sukkoth.

6 They left Sukkoth and camped at Etham, on the edge of the desert.

Forget 72 virgins; I take my share of the 32,000.

The Lord said to Moses, "You and Eleazar the priest and the family heads of the community are to count all the people and animals that were captured. Divide the spoils equally between the soldiers who took part in the battle and the rest of the community. Number 31: 25-27

The plunder remaining from the spoils that the soldiers took was 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys and 32,000 women who had never slept with a man. Numbers 31:32-35

What proud father wouldn't, moments before his slaughter, hope for his young, innocent daughter to be divided by his murderers as a victory spoil?    (Note: Notice that sheep, cattle, and donkeys ranked ahead of the virgin women on the list of spoils. Scholars still debate whether these nomads found the livestock to be more valuable than the girls, or if they merely preferred screwing the livestock because the young girls wept so forcefully during the non-consensual sex.)

HEY GOD! Stop killing everyone! And have a little respect for young girls!

The Lord said to Moses, "Take vengeance on the Midianites for the Israelites. After that, you will be gathered to your people." Numbers 31: 1-2  

They fought against Midian, as the Lord commanded Moses, and killed every man. Numbers 31:7

Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man. Numbers 31: 17-18
Not to beat a dead horse, but, again, we find the Lord ordering one group of human beings to slaughter another group of human beings (the adult men). But it's the secondary slaughter of the boys and the women (that have allowed themselves to be soiled) that shows the glory of the GOOD BOOK. As usual, in the Bible, young, hot, virgin girls are the most cherished prizes of the kill and become the possessions of the conquerors (one might wonder as to the lifespan of said virginity post-kidnapping). Damn this book warms the heart.

God needs to learn to either take a deep breath or take a valium before he makes big decisions.

The Lord said to Moses, "Take all the leaders of these people, kill them and expose them in broad daylight before the Lord, so that the Lord's fierce anger may turn away from Israel." Numbers 25:4

No snarky commentary necessary.

Then Shrek came and saved the day!

When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord, it lay down under Balaam, and he was angry and beat it with his staff. Then the Lord opened the donkey's mouth, and it said to Balaam, "What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times? "Balaam answered the donkey, "You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now." Numbers 22: 27-29

I'll see your talking snake, and raise you a talking donkey. Awesome!

Don't bitch about your food or God will kill you with snakes.

"Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? There is no bread! There is no water! And we detest this miserable food!" Then the Lord sent venomous snakes among them; they bit the people and many Israelites died. Numbers 21: 5-6
This is why Jews still choke down gefilte fish; they're afraid of snakes.