The Bible defines marriage, again?

We will enter into an agreement with you on one condition only: that you become like us by circumcising all your males. Then we will give you our daughters and take your daughters for ourselves. Genesis 34:15-16

What's left to write other than the Bible is clearly perfect and in no way harmful to women or foreskin?

The Bible defines marriage, again?

So she gave him her servant Bilhah as a wife. Jacob slept with her, and she became pregnant and bore him a son. Then Rachel said, "God has vindicated me; he has listened to my plea and given me a son." Because of this she named him Dan (sing with me: Oh Danny boy...your real mom's a slave who's vagina does not belong to her...come on, you know the words) Genesis 30:4-6

Once again, a women is "given" to a man (this time from a another women) as sexual property. God's perfect word in action once again. And we're still not through the first book of the Bible. We get the point, God, a woman's reproductive rights and reproductive organs do not belong to her. How have American's fallen so far from your holy inspiration?

The Bible defines marriage, again?

Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful (hey now). Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, "I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel." Laban said, "It's better that I give her to you than to some other man (father of the year?). Stay here with me." So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her. Then Jacob said to Laban, "Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her." (seven years is a long time to hold out)

So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob (the old non-consensual sex with my daughter switch-a-roo), and Jacob made love to her. And Laban gave his servant Zilpah to his daughter as her attendant.

When morning came, there was Leah! (Jabob loved Rachel so much that he didn't even notice he just banged Leah--such a man) So Jacob said to Laban, "What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn't I? Why have you deceived me?" Laban replied, "It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. Finish this daughter's bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work." (JACKPOT!) And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. Laban gave his servant Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her attendant. Jacob made love to Rachel also, and his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years. Genesis 29:16-30

Sorry for the long passage, but there's just too much good stuff here. Just light a candle, play some soft music, read this scripture once or twice, and let the good times roll. I'm sure any of you out there with daughters might want to introduce this passage (as well as the others included in the marriage category) to them so they know just what their position in life is as dictated by the good book. The good news is that it does seem like young maidens do rank higher than slaves in the Bible, we're just not sure how much higher.

The Bible defines marriage, again?

...so he went to Ishmael and married Mahalath, the sister of Nebaioth and daughter of Ishmael son of Abraham, in addition to the wives he already had. Genesis 28:9

Why the Mormons caught hell from Christian America for polygamy is a mystery.

The Bible defines marriage, again?

Go at once to Paddan Aram, to the house of your mother's father Bethuel. Take a wife for yourself there, from among the daughters of Laban, your mother's brother. Genesis 28:2

* For it matters not whether any of the daughters finds you repugnant. The lord cares not about a woman's consent.

Two Big Macs. Unleavened buns, please.

Abraham lived a hundred and seventy-five years. Genesis 25:7

* As fast food crept into the Middle East, lifespans plummeted. When Abraham dropped dead at 175, most likely due to cardiac issues stemming from high cholesterol, people began to realize that the days of living into one's six or seven hundreds were long gone.

God really is a giver.

The Lord has blessed my master abundantly, and he has become wealthy. He has given him sheep and cattle, silver and gold, male and female servants, and camels and donkeys. Genesis 24:35

* Yes, the Lord blessed Abraham with slaves. And a pretty generous 401k.

An oldie but a goodie.

Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you." Genesis 22:2

* Of course, as Abraham is poised to slice open the little boy’s throat, an angels steps in just in the nick of time. God is good. And you thought Punked was just a rip-off of Candid Camera.

The Bible defines marriage, again?

But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking… Genesis 21:9

* Abraham (a close personal friend with God) fathered a child with a slave while he was locked in marriage’s sacred bonds. Though MANY things are forbidden in the Bible, slavery and procreation with slaves are not amongst those prohibitions.

If only God were as concerned with human trafficking as he was with infidelity.

Then Abimelek brought sheep and cattle and male and female slaves and gave them to Abraham, and he returned Sarah his wife to him. And Abimelek said, "My land is before you; live wherever you like. Genesis 20:14-15

* You see, God wouldn’t have minded King Abimelek kidnapping Sarah if she really was just Abraham’s unmarried sister. God’s also not very concerned about the poor slaves being used as compensation on par with livestock. You have to read the whole story; it’s really warms the heart.

Incest is best.

"Last night I slept with my father. Let's get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and sleep with him so we can preserve our family line through our father." So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went in and slept with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. Genesis 19:34-35

* You can almost hear the banjo music echo from the cave as Lot’s daughters rape him, perhaps a defiant act after he offered them to the horny mob.

Family first!

Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him and said, "No, my friends. Don't do this wicked thing. Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof." Genesis 19:6-8

* And Lot was the guy that God liked in that town.

The world’s first welcoming committee.

Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house. They called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them." Genesis 19:4-5

* Unbeknownst to the men of Sodom was the fact that the men they wanted to rape happened to be angels. Talk about awkward.

More stuff God should probably already know.

Then the Lord said, "The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great and their sin so grievous that I will go down and see if what they have done is as bad as the outcry that has reached me. If not, I will know. Genesis 18:20-21

* God must have really struggled with omniscience in deity school. Remember, God is ALL-knowing. Couldn’t he just peak through the clouds to check out the action?

It’s never too late.

Abraham was ninety-nine years old when he was circumcised. Genesis 17:24

Though, it was so wrinkled you could hardly tell the difference.

Couldn’t we all just carry ID cards?

Any uncircumcised male, who has not been circumcised in the flesh, will be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant. Genesis 17:14

To be fair, circumcises penises do have more personality. Why God has such disdain for foreskin remains a mystery. Is it really so bad to have a covered wagon?

Little known secret; God has stock in Rosetta Stone.

Now the whole world had one language and a common speech. Genesis 11:1 The Lord said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other." Genesis 11:6-7

If God was a real American, He would have just made everyone speak English.

At least his name wasn’t Putz.

Cush was the fathert of Nimrod, who became a mighty warrior on the earth. Genesis 10:8

Can you image? “Ah crap! Nimrod’s coming! Quick, hide the women and children.”

Give a guy a break.

Noah, a man of the soil, proceededt to plant a vineyard. When he drank some of its wine, he became drunk and lay uncovered inside his tent. Genesis 9:20-21

Hey! You spend almost a year on a crap-filled boat loaded with sweaty, smelly animals trying to eat you and tell me you wouldn’t have a few cocktails to take the edge off. The good news is that no one had non-consensual sex with him as far as we know.

Oh, and while you are out, grab some smokes and a six pack.

You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you. Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you to be kept alive. You are to take every kind of food that is to be eaten and store it away as food for you and for them. Genesis 6:19-21

* It seems silly to bother including this passage, but you’d be amazed how many people actually believe this story literally. To blather on about polar bears, kangaroos, tarantulas, fleas, wildebeests, cobras, peacocks, iguanas, sparrows, penguins, cape buffaloes, prairie dogs, geckos, gnats, hippopotami, kimono dragons, skunks, dingos, vampire bats, wombats, koalas, mosquitoes, leopards, dung beetles, bobcats, orangutans, bald eagles, field mice, wild turkeys, gray wolves, anacondas, raccoons, mule deer, mountain goats, bison, kiwis, porcupines, sloths, condors, arctic hares, Asian elephants, pandas, lemurs, monarch butterflies, spider monkeys, vultures, flamingos, poison dart frogs, lions, armadillos, llamas, flying squirrels, magpies, black widows, hyenas, springboks, box turtles, giraffes, tigers, roaches, and a few million more critters being wrangled by a 500-year-old man from places like the Sahara Desert, the Arctic Circle, a cute little island known as Australia, the Himalayas, the Amazon jungle, the Galapagos Islands, the Rocky Mountains, and quite a few more fairly challenging places to trek to and retrieve wildlife from, not to mention the correlating dietary requirements for the often cannibalistic group, shouldn’t be necessary. Cute story though, especially when every pregnant woman, adolescent child, physically and mentally challenged person, toddler, elderly person, and infant (not to mention, all the unsuspecting wildlife) is horrifically drowned. Makes for a good bedtime story for the kids.