Forget 72 virgins; I take my share of the 32,000.

The Lord said to Moses, "You and Eleazar the priest and the family heads of the community are to count all the people and animals that were captured. Divide the spoils equally between the soldiers who took part in the battle and the rest of the community. Number 31: 25-27

The plunder remaining from the spoils that the soldiers took was 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys and 32,000 women who had never slept with a man. Numbers 31:32-35

What proud father wouldn't, moments before his slaughter, hope for his young, innocent daughter to be divided by his murderers as a victory spoil?    (Note: Notice that sheep, cattle, and donkeys ranked ahead of the virgin women on the list of spoils. Scholars still debate whether these nomads found the livestock to be more valuable than the girls, or if they merely preferred screwing the livestock because the young girls wept so forcefully during the non-consensual sex.)

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he is to be put to death, and you must kill the animal. Leviticus 20:15

Meet Lamby-pie. She just got fucked by a lonely, sex-starved, Israelite. Sorry Lamby-pie, now you must die. 

But I told him, NOOOO! Why do I have to die?

God loves (especially female) slaves?

If a man sleeps with a female slave who is promised to another man but who has not been ransomed or given her freedom, there must be due punishment. Yet they are not to be put to death, because she had not been freed. Leviticus 19:20

Remember, this women, this creature created and loved by God Almighty, is, after-all, nothing more than the property of a man that is free to fuck her when he pleases. Fortunately for the slave, I mean person, as God so lovingly states himself in this verse, there are rules as to who can fuck her and when they can fuck her. God is good. (Note: if you find the word "fuck" off-putting, imagine how you'd find being "owned" and "fucked" against your will by a fellow human being.)

Incest is best.

"Last night I slept with my father. Let's get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and sleep with him so we can preserve our family line through our father." So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went in and slept with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. Genesis 19:34-35

* You can almost hear the banjo music echo from the cave as Lot’s daughters rape him, perhaps a defiant act after he offered them to the horny mob.

Family first!

Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him and said, "No, my friends. Don't do this wicked thing. Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof." Genesis 19:6-8

* And Lot was the guy that God liked in that town.

The world’s first welcoming committee.

Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house. They called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them." Genesis 19:4-5

* Unbeknownst to the men of Sodom was the fact that the men they wanted to rape happened to be angels. Talk about awkward.