The Lord is a vindictive baby killer.

So Moses said, "This is what the Lord says: 'About midnight I will go throughout Egypt. Every firstborn son in Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh, who sits on the throne, to the firstborn son of the female slave, who is at her hand mill, and all the firstborn of the cattle as well. (The cattle were heard asking, "what the fuck did we do?") Exodus 11: 4-6

On a lighter note, the female slaves grinding away on hand mills no longer had the arduous tasks of caring for their infants, thus doubling their production.

Good thing the Jews installed those generators a few weeks earlier.

Then the Lord said to Moses, "Stretch out your hand toward the sky so that darkness spreads over Egypt—darkness that can be felt." So Moses stretched out his hand toward the sky, and total darkness covered all Egypt for three days. No one could see anyone else or move about for three days. Yet all the Israelites had light in the places where they lived. Exodus 10: 21-23

You can imagine God's dismay when a flurry of bonfires lit up the Egyptian landscape.

Thus driving down prices on locust futures.

This is what the Lord...says...Let my people go, so that they may worship me. If you refuse to let them go, I will bring locusts into your country tomorrow. They will cover the face of the ground so that it cannot be seen. They will devour what little you have left after the hail, including every tree that is growing in your fields. They will fill your houses and those of all your officials and all the Egyptians. Exodus 10: 3-6

Surprising, God seems unconcerned with the environmental impact of such a mess.

Supernatural deity or incompetent parent?

Then the Lord said to Moses, "Get up early in the morning, confront Pharaoh and say to him, 'This is what the Lord, the God of the Hebrews, says: Let my people go, so that they may worship me, or this time I will send the full force of my plagues against you and against your officials and your people, so you may know that there is no one like me in all the earth. For by now I could have stretched out my hand and struck you and your people with a plague that would have wiped you off the earth. But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. You still set yourself against my people and will not let them go. Therefore, at this time tomorrow I will send the worst hailstorm that has ever fallen on Egypt, from the day it was founded till now. Give an order now to bring your livestock (God really seems to hate livestock) and everything you have in the field to a place of shelter, because the hail will fall on every person and animal that has not been brought in and is still out in the field, and they will die.'" Exodus 9: 13-19

This is like a Monty Python movie. Can't you just hear Pharaoh? "It's just a flesh wound. Come on, what other plagues have you got?"

These plagues seem a tad cruel.

Then the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, "Take handfuls of soot from a furnace and have Moses toss it into the air in the presence of Pharaoh. It will become fine dust over the whole land of Egypt, and festering boils will break out on people and animals throughout the land." Exodus 9: 8-9

God does realize that some of the people acquiring these boils are women and the infants they're nursing, small children playing hide and seek, men working hard to feed their families, sick and invalid people suffering without medicine, and cute little kittens, right? I suppose God's love truly is a mystery.

Sucks to be an Egytian sheep.

This is what the Lord, the God of the Hebrews, says: "Let my people go, so that they may worship me."  If you refuse to let them go and continue to hold them back, the hand of the Lord will bring a terrible plague on your livestock in the field—on your horses, donkeys and camels and on your cattle, sheep and goats. But the Lord will make a distinction between the livestock of Israel and that of Egypt, so that no animal belonging to the Israelites will die.'" Exodus 9:1-4

Listening in on an Egyptian lamb: "Shalom God. How goes it? No. No. I'm a Jewish lamb, really! Well, I'm off to temple, catch you later. Baahhhhhhh."

Getting old, fast.

Then the Lord said to Moses ... Let my people go, so that they may worship me. If you do not let my people go, I will send swarms of flies on you and your officials, on your people and into your houses. Exodus 8:20-21

So far: blood, frogs, gnats, and now flies. Property values in downtown Cairo have gone to shit. 

G-not working; Pharoh holding strong.

Then the Lord said to Moses, "Tell Aaron, 'Stretch out your staff and strike the dust of the ground,' and throughout the land of Egypt the dust will become gnats."  Exodus 8:16

...gnats came on people and animals. All the dust throughout the land of Egypt became gnats. Exodus 8:17'

HEY GOD! YOU'RE GOD! You don't need to torture people to get one man to obey you. Just fold your arms and blink like on I Dream Of Jeannie or Bewitched.

Frog-a-licious

Then the Lord said to Moses, "Go to Pharaoh and say to him, 'This is what the Lord says: Let my people go, so that they may worship me. If you refuse to let them go, I will send a plague of frogs on your whole country. Exodus 8:1-2

The same deity that created billions of stars per billions of galaxies has to go to the frog card to get his message across. That's kind of hacky, bro.