No. Really, guys. It's ME. IT'S ME!

After his suffering, he presented himself to them and gave many convincing proofs that he was alive. He appeared to them over a period of forty days and spoke about the kingdom of God. Acts 1:3

How difficult is it for an omnipotent deity to convince twelve humans that he created, and that he warned that he would return from the dead (just like every other proper god of the era), that he'd actually returned? Did he come back with a Scottish accent? Did he come back looking like Liza Minnelli? Did he come back as a hedgehog?

The disciples didn't believe Jesus, why should you? (Zombie Jesus lays out the ground rules.)

NOTE: These verses all take place after Jesus comes back from the dead and are NOT found in the earliest manuscripts. Likely conclusion: these verses were added AFTER the earliest manuscripts were written, which were written decades after the supposed events. You get the point.

When Jesus rose early on the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had driven seven demons. She went and told those who had been with him and who were mourning and weeping. When they heard that Jesus was alive and that she had seen him, they did not believe it. Afterward Jesus appeared in a different form to two of them while they were walking in the country.  These returned and reported it to the rest; but they did not believe them either. Later Jesus appeared to the Eleven as they were eating; he rebuked them for their lack of faith and their stubborn refusal to believe those who had seen him after he had risen. He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well." After the Lord Jesus had spoken to them, he was taken up into heaven and he sat at the right hand of God.  Then the disciples went out and preached everywhere, and the Lord worked with them and confirmed his word by the signs that accompanied it. Mark 16: 9-20

No need to ridicule these verses. They do just fine on their own.

Any last words, Jesus?

And at three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?" (which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"). Mark 15:34 

About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eli, Eli,t lema sabachthani?" (which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"). Luke 23:46

Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." When he had said this, he breathed his last. Matthew 27:44

When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. John 19:30


     The fact that from the four Gospels writers, we've been given three separate collections of Jesus' last words, poses very little problem for believing Christians that are actually aware of this somewhat glaring discrepancy. Most commonly one might hear an explanation of the dilemma as, "Would you expect the writers' accounts to match? It would be like four independent descriptions of a car crash. Naturally, there would be discrepancies." That's all well and good, however, being that thousands of direct quotations from Bible characters, as well as narrators, are used to promote, defend, or enact certain dogmatic ideals, it seems relevant whether the statements or quotations being utilized were actually spoken or not. 
     For Jesus' last words, there are five options. 1) Mark and Luke were accurate. 2) Matthew was accurate. 3) John was accurate. 4) None of them are accurate. Jesus spoke some other words. 5) The story was invented.
     For Christians, this begs the questions as to what of the Bible is real and what of the Bible is invented, what of the Bible has been passed down and interpreted correctly and what has not, and perhaps most importantly, whether the "truthfulness" of the Bible in whole or in part even matters to an particular individual. Since such matters tend to be complicated, it's no wonder that so many Christians accept IT ALL to be true without regard for book's accuracy or viability. 
     In short: Is it true? Is it not true? Do you care?

Jesus reiterates why it was unnecessary for Judas to betray him.

"Am I leading a rebellion," said Jesus, "that you have come out with swords and clubs to capture me? Every day I was with you, teaching in the temple courts, and you did not arrest me. But the Scriptures must be fulfilled." Mark 14: 48-49

We mentioned this peculiarity in commentary after this entry regarding Judas' alleged betrayal.

Shouldn't I get a reward?

Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me—one who is eating with me. Mark 14:18 The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Man! It would be better for him if he had not been born. Mark 14:21

Judas was heard murmuring, "this is bullshit, you need me to rat you out to fulfill your destiny." (Of course, one might wonder why a FAMOUS man that cured the sick, raised the dead, chased away demons, and performed all sorts of wondrous public parlor tricks would need to be identified to the men that sought to have him killed. But let's not concern ourselves with such trivia.)

That's him! The guy on the right.

Screw the poor; let's focus on me a bit. Shall we?

The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have me. Mark 14: 7

Just hang in there kid, we'll get to you eventually.

Jesus makes a not-so-great prediction.

Truly I tell you, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened. Mark 13:30

We think you missed on this one, Nostradamus.

I would like a Lamborghini and a Swedish bikini model.

"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Mark 11: 22-24

Actually, having a Lamborghini automatically gets you a Swedish bikini model, so one only needs to pray for the Lamborghini.

Jesus rolls in the third person.

"We are going up to Jerusalem," he said, "and the Son of Man will be delivered over to the chief priests and the teachers of the law. They will condemn him to death and will hand him over to the Gentiles, who will mock him and spit on him, flog him and kill him. Three days later he will rise." Mark 10:33-34

Perhaps he was referring to someone else? Or perhaps this passage was contrived to enrich the resurrection narrative. Or perhaps Jesus spoke in the third person because he is the "third person" of the trinity (how clever)? Or perhaps Jesus simply thought he was in the NBA?

But what if I like my children and don't want them to die because I've abandoned them?

"Truly I tell you," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first." Mark 10: 29-31

Again, there seem to be a risk/reward venture with regard to Jesus and the afterlife. Sure, I could ditch my elderly mother, but maybe I'll get a hundred times better mother in the afterlife. Tough call. If only the Bible presented a clear message that all could agree on and understand.

But how big is the needle?

But Jesus said again, "Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God." Mark 10: 24-25

Biblical scholars (especially ones that make a lot of money in the God business) understand that Jesus was referring to a REALLY BIG needle.

Jesus: pinko socialist or opportunistic capitalist?

Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." Mark 10:21

Is Jesus looking out for the poor or giving investment advice? It might be helpful to have a prospectus for the "heaven treasure," in order to make a better determination.

Jesus on divorce.

Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?" "What did Moses command you?" he replied. They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away." "It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied. "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery." Mark 10: 2-12

Three questions. Was Moses only wrong about marriage? Or was he wrong about a few things? Or was he wrong about everything? (In this passage, Jesus yields to Moses. So difficult to choose.)

Jesus is LOVE and FORGIVENESS

"If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea. If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out. And if your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell, where "'the worms that eat them do not die, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9: 42-48

This needs no sarcastic commentary; the wretchedness drips from it freely on its own.

Were they in Galilee or Las Vegas?

"Teacher," said John, "we saw someone driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us." "Do not stop him," Jesus said. "For no one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me, for whoever is not against us is for us." Mark 9: 38-39

There must have demons on every street corner; and, apparently, plenty of people performing proper miracles.

It's called a seizure, dickhead. There are no such things as demons.

A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not." Mark 9:17-18  When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit. "You deaf and mute spirit," he said, "I command you, come out of him and never enter him again." Mark 9:25

Of course, since the boy had a real medical condition and not a demon that required a Ghostbuster; he had another seizure later that day. You see, throughout the vast majority of human history, human beings were completely ignorant about seizures, cancer, embolisms, kidney stones, cardiac arrest, mental disorders, germs, lightning, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, thunder, volcanoes, eclipses, and thousands of other things that mystified them, frightened them, and killed them out of the blue. Is it really so mysterious why religions evolved?

Jesus meets with Dead Moses.

After six days Jesus took Peter, James and John with him and led them up a high mountain, where they were all alone. There he was transfigured before them. His clothes became dazzling white, whiter than anyone in the world could bleach them. And there appeared before them Elijah and Moses, who were talking with Jesus. Peter said to Jesus, "Rabbi, it is good for us to be here. Let us put up three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah." (He did not know what to say, they were so frightened.) Then a cloud appeared and covered them, and a voice came from the cloud: "This is my Son, whom I love. Listen to him!" Suddenly, when they looked around, they no longer saw anyone with them except Jesus. As they were coming down the mountain, Jesus gave them orders not to tell anyone what they had seen until the Son of Man had risen from the dead. They kept the matter to themselves, discussing what "rising from the dead" meant. Mark 9:2-10

Later that day when the mushrooms wore off, John asked, "How come Joesph Smith wasn't up on the mountain, too?"

Me thinkst they all tasted.

And he said to them, "Truly I tell you, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see that the kingdom of God has come with power." Mark 9:1


Little known fact: the following verse was edited out of the final version, much to many investors chagrin. Then Jesus said, "But in case the kingdom of God doesn't come for a few thousand more years, if you get the chance, buy Microsoft stock early and hang on to it."

 

Worst kept secret ever!

"But what about you?" Jesus asked. "Who do you say I am?" Peter answered, "You are the Messiah." Jesus warned them not to tell anyone about him. Mark 8:29-30

Nixon ran a cover up than Jesus. If JC wanted to keep his identity a secret, then maybe he should have worn a mask as he strode around the land spitting in blind men's eyes, raising people from the dead, and chasing away dozens of demons.

Been there; done that.

"How many loaves do you have?" Jesus asked. "Seven," they replied. Mark 8:5 The people ate and were satisfied. Afterward the disciples picked up seven basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. About four thousand were present. Mark 8: 8-9

Of course, the crowd was fickle; they had seen this trick before and most of their tweets panned Jesus' act at old and needing a bigger finish.