The Bible defines marriage, again?

We will enter into an agreement with you on one condition only: that you become like us by circumcising all your males. Then we will give you our daughters and take your daughters for ourselves. Genesis 34:15-16

What's left to write other than the Bible is clearly perfect and in no way harmful to women or foreskin?

The Bible defines marriage, again?

So she gave him her servant Bilhah as a wife. Jacob slept with her, and she became pregnant and bore him a son. Then Rachel said, "God has vindicated me; he has listened to my plea and given me a son." Because of this she named him Dan (sing with me: Oh Danny boy...your real mom's a slave who's vagina does not belong to her...come on, you know the words) Genesis 30:4-6

Once again, a women is "given" to a man (this time from a another women) as sexual property. God's perfect word in action once again. And we're still not through the first book of the Bible. We get the point, God, a woman's reproductive rights and reproductive organs do not belong to her. How have American's fallen so far from your holy inspiration?

The Bible defines marriage, again?

Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful (hey now). Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, "I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel." Laban said, "It's better that I give her to you than to some other man (father of the year?). Stay here with me." So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her. Then Jacob said to Laban, "Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her." (seven years is a long time to hold out)

So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob (the old non-consensual sex with my daughter switch-a-roo), and Jacob made love to her. And Laban gave his servant Zilpah to his daughter as her attendant.

When morning came, there was Leah! (Jabob loved Rachel so much that he didn't even notice he just banged Leah--such a man) So Jacob said to Laban, "What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn't I? Why have you deceived me?" Laban replied, "It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. Finish this daughter's bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work." (JACKPOT!) And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. Laban gave his servant Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her attendant. Jacob made love to Rachel also, and his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years. Genesis 29:16-30

Sorry for the long passage, but there's just too much good stuff here. Just light a candle, play some soft music, read this scripture once or twice, and let the good times roll. I'm sure any of you out there with daughters might want to introduce this passage (as well as the others included in the marriage category) to them so they know just what their position in life is as dictated by the good book. The good news is that it does seem like young maidens do rank higher than slaves in the Bible, we're just not sure how much higher.

The Bible defines marriage, again?

...so he went to Ishmael and married Mahalath, the sister of Nebaioth and daughter of Ishmael son of Abraham, in addition to the wives he already had. Genesis 28:9

Why the Mormons caught hell from Christian America for polygamy is a mystery.

The Bible defines marriage, again?

Go at once to Paddan Aram, to the house of your mother's father Bethuel. Take a wife for yourself there, from among the daughters of Laban, your mother's brother. Genesis 28:2

* For it matters not whether any of the daughters finds you repugnant. The lord cares not about a woman's consent.

The Bible defines marriage, again?

But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking… Genesis 21:9

* Abraham (a close personal friend with God) fathered a child with a slave while he was locked in marriage’s sacred bonds. Though MANY things are forbidden in the Bible, slavery and procreation with slaves are not amongst those prohibitions.

If only God were as concerned with human trafficking as he was with infidelity.

Then Abimelek brought sheep and cattle and male and female slaves and gave them to Abraham, and he returned Sarah his wife to him. And Abimelek said, "My land is before you; live wherever you like. Genesis 20:14-15

* You see, God wouldn’t have minded King Abimelek kidnapping Sarah if she really was just Abraham’s unmarried sister. God’s also not very concerned about the poor slaves being used as compensation on par with livestock. You have to read the whole story; it’s really warms the heart.

The Bible defines marriage, again?

The sons of God saw that the daughters of humans were beautiful, and they married any of them they chose. Genesis 6:2

* Wait a minute. How many sons did God have? And where in the Bible does it say that women are allowed to marry outside of their species? Oh...it says it in Genesis 6:2. It’s good that these sons of God didn’t try to get married in Alabama.

The Bible defines marriage?

Lamech married two women, one named Adah and the other Zillah. Genesis 4:19

* Double the wives; double the pleasure? God doesn’t seem to mind this arrangement so it must be cool.