The creator of the universe is definitely for the death penalty.

If anyone strikes someone a fatal blow with an iron object, that person is a murderer; the murderer is to be put to death. Or if anyone is holding a stone and strikes someone a fatal blow with it, that person is a murderer; the murderer is to be put to death. Or if anyone is holding a wooden object and strikes someone a fatal blow with it, that person is a murderer; the murderer is to be put to death. Numbers 35: 16-18
God must be from Texas. (Note: this blog takes no stand on capitol punishment. The ridiculous nature of this passage is solely due to the creator of the universe's incredible concern with a small group of a particular species, nestled on a tiny speck of a rock in a distant corner of a massive universe. Yee-haw!)

Maybe it's a euphemism?

Then Moses spoke to the Israelites, and they took the blasphemer outside the camp and stoned him. The Israelites did as the Lord commanded Moses. Leviticus 24:23

Once archeologists find that first bong in ancient Israeli excavations, we'll know that God simply wanted blasphemers to get really baked and chill out.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

Then the Lord said to Moses: "Take the blasphemer outside the camp. All those who heard him are to lay their hands on his head, and the entire assembly is to stone him. Say to the Israelites: 'Anyone who curses their God will be held responsible; anyone who blasphemes the name of the Lord is to be put to death. The entire assembly must stone them. Whether foreigner or native-born, when they blaspheme the Name they are to be put to death. Leviticus 24:13-16

Pretty fucking hard to misinterpret this holy scripture. Probably not a frequent read in Sunday School.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

A man or woman who is a medium or spiritist among you must be put to death. You are to stone them; their blood will be on their own heads. Leviticus 20:26

So, if a person essentially pretends to have magic intuitive powers that don't exist (something that an omniscient deity should understand as a scam) the only logical punishment is death. Check.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again--Minority Report Edition

If a woman approaches an animal to have sexual relations with it, kill both the woman and the animal. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. Leviticus 20:16

As the horny women approaches the defenseless yet aroused donkey, the pre-cogs eyes start twitching, a wooden balls drops, cops in jet-packs descend and slaughter the woman and the donkey, and the universe's all-loving, omniscient creator's will is exacted. Now go to bed, kids.

Forget the halo, kill the girl...and the donkey.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he is to be put to death, and you must kill the animal. Leviticus 20:15

Meet Lamby-pie. She just got fucked by a lonely, sex-starved, Israelite. Sorry Lamby-pie, now you must die. 

But I told him, NOOOO! Why do I have to die?

Got MILF

If a man marries both a woman and her mother, it is wicked. Both he and they must be burned in the fire, so that no wickedness will be among you. Leviticus 20:14

Burned alive for a little mom-daughter action; that's a bit harsh. I can't imagine the penalty for raping children: oh, yeah, the Bible (and the Catholic church) don't really seem to be bothered by that.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a man commits adultery with another man's wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress are to be put to death. Leviticus 20:10

No wiggle-room here (pun intended). What God fails to mention in this verse is if there are exceptions for really hot neighbors. He should have also clarified if webcam sex was also classified as a capital offense.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Leviticus 20:9

This one kind of makes it tough to be a Bible literalist without attaching a lot of bullshit rationalization to it.

The REAL Ten Commandments

1: Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. Exodus 34:14

2: Be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land; for when they prostitute themselves to their gods and sacrifice to them, they will invite you and you will eat their sacrifices. And when you choose some of their daughters as wives for your sons and those daughters prostitute themselves to their gods, they will lead your sons to do the same. Exodus 34: 15-16

3: Do not make any idols. Exodus 34:17

4: Celebrate the Festival of Unleavened Bread. Exodus 34:18

5: The first offspring of every womb belongs to me, including all the firstborn males of your livestock, whether from herd or flock. Exodus 34:19

6: Redeem the firstborn donkey with a lamb, but if you do not redeem it, break its neck. Redeem all your firstborn sons. No one is to appear before me empty-handed. Exodus 34:20

7: Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest; even during the plowing season and harvest you must rest. Exodus 34:21

8: Celebrate the Festival of Weeks with the firstfruits of the wheat harvest, and the Festival of Ingathering at the turn of the year. Three times a year all your men are to appear before the Sovereign Lord, the God of Israel. I will drive out nations before you and enlarge your territory, and no one will covet your land when you go up three times each year to appear before the Lord your God. Exodus 34: 22-24

9: Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast, and do not let any of the sacrifice from the Passover Festival remain until morning. Exodus 34:25

10: Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the Lord your God. Do not cook a young goat in its mother's milk. Exodus 34:26

Then the Lord said to Moses, "Write down these words, for in accordance with these words I have made a covenant with you and with Israel." Moses was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights without eating bread or drinking water. And he wrote on the tablets the words of the covenant—the Ten Commandments. Exodus 34: 27:28

Let's see these, the real Ten Commandments, displayed in our courthouses! And don't disobey number seven...

These are the things the Lord has commanded you to do: For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a day of sabbath rest to the Lord. Whoever does any work on it is to be put to death. Exodus 35:1-2