HEY GOD! Stop killing everyone! And have a little respect for young girls!

The Lord said to Moses, "Take vengeance on the Midianites for the Israelites. After that, you will be gathered to your people." Numbers 31: 1-2  

They fought against Midian, as the Lord commanded Moses, and killed every man. Numbers 31:7

Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man. Numbers 31: 17-18
Not to beat a dead horse, but, again, we find the Lord ordering one group of human beings to slaughter another group of human beings (the adult men). But it's the secondary slaughter of the boys and the women (that have allowed themselves to be soiled) that shows the glory of the GOOD BOOK. As usual, in the Bible, young, hot, virgin girls are the most cherished prizes of the kill and become the possessions of the conquerors (one might wonder as to the lifespan of said virginity post-kidnapping). Damn this book warms the heart.

God needs to learn to either take a deep breath or take a valium before he makes big decisions.

The Lord said to Moses, "Take all the leaders of these people, kill them and expose them in broad daylight before the Lord, so that the Lord's fierce anger may turn away from Israel." Numbers 25:4

No snarky commentary necessary.

Don't bitch about your food or God will kill you with snakes.

"Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? There is no bread! There is no water! And we detest this miserable food!" Then the Lord sent venomous snakes among them; they bit the people and many Israelites died. Numbers 21: 5-6
This is why Jews still choke down gefilte fish; they're afraid of snakes.

Who's more dangerous, God or Godzilla?

As soon as he finished saying all this, the ground under them split apart and the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them and their households, and all those associated with Korah, together with their possessions. They went down alive into the realm of the dead, with everything they owned; the earth closed over them, and they perished and were gone from the community. At their cries, all the Israelites around them fled, shouting, "The earth is going to swallow us too!" And fire came out from the Lord and consumed the 250 men who were offering the incense. Number 16: 31-35

Tough call.

God sentences man to death for picking up sticks. Seriously.

While the Israelites were in the wilderness, a man was found gathering wood on the Sabbath day. Those who found him gathering wood brought him to Moses and Aaron and the whole assembly, and they kept him in custody, because it was not clear what should be done to him. Then the Lord said to Moses, "The man must die. The whole assembly must stone him outside the camp." So the assembly took him outside the camp and stoned him to death, as the Lord commanded Moses. Numbers15: 32-36

As the man's skull was being crushed by the blunt stones and brain matter splattered the ground, love and joy spread amongst the people as God's direct will was done as commanded. Oh, the glory.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a man commits adultery with another man's wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress are to be put to death. Leviticus 20:10

No wiggle-room here (pun intended). What God fails to mention in this verse is if there are exceptions for really hot neighbors. He should have also clarified if webcam sex was also classified as a capital offense.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Leviticus 20:9

This one kind of makes it tough to be a Bible literalist without attaching a lot of bullshit rationalization to it.

Kill your brother for God. It's an order!

Then he said to them, "This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: 'Each man strap a sword to his side. Go back and forth through the camp from one end to the other, each killing his brother and friend and neighbor.'" Exodus 32:27

God seems to have been a great role model for some of our most successful totalitarian dictators.

Oh by the way: The Levites did as Moses commanded, and that day about three thousand of the people died. Exodus 32:28

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

"Observe the Sabbath, because it is holy to you. Anyone who desecrates it is to be put to death; those who do any work on that day must be cut off from their people." Exodus 31:14 "...Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day is to be put to death." Exodus 31:15

God also wanted people to be put to death for littering and for chewing on the left side of their mouths but he completely forgot to tell Moses.

GOD IS LOVE!

"My angel will go ahead of you and bring you into the land of the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Canaanites, Hivites and Jebusites, and I will wipe them out." Exodus 23:23

Just so everyone knows, this God is also the Jesus god. They are one and the same.