Who had better healing powers, the Apostles or Jesus? You decide.

The apostles performed many signs and wonders among the people. And all the believers used to meet together in Solomon's Colonnade. No one else dared join them, even though they were highly regarded by the people. Nevertheless, more and more men and women believed in the Lord and were added to their number. As a result, people brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and mats so that at least Peter's shadow might fall on some of them as he passed by. Crowds gathered also from the towns around Jerusalem, bringing their sick and those tormented by impure spirits, and all of them were healed. Acts 5: 12-16

Since the Apostles had a 12 to 1 advantage, the contest seems unfair. But then again, Jesus was actually Yahweh, so he probably had the edge.

Either Peter was a god, or a beggar was a con artist. Tough call.

Peter Heals a Lame Beggar

Then Peter said, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man's feet and ankles became strong. He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God. When all the people saw him walking and praising God, they recognized him as the same man who used to sit begging at the temple gate called Beautiful, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him. Acts 3: 6-10

Were they in Galilee or Las Vegas?

"Teacher," said John, "we saw someone driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us." "Do not stop him," Jesus said. "For no one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me, for whoever is not against us is for us." Mark 9: 38-39

There must have demons on every street corner; and, apparently, plenty of people performing proper miracles.

It's called a seizure, dickhead. There are no such things as demons.

A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not." Mark 9:17-18  When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit. "You deaf and mute spirit," he said, "I command you, come out of him and never enter him again." Mark 9:25

Of course, since the boy had a real medical condition and not a demon that required a Ghostbuster; he had another seizure later that day. You see, throughout the vast majority of human history, human beings were completely ignorant about seizures, cancer, embolisms, kidney stones, cardiac arrest, mental disorders, germs, lightning, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, thunder, volcanoes, eclipses, and thousands of other things that mystified them, frightened them, and killed them out of the blue. Is it really so mysterious why religions evolved?

Been there; done that.

"How many loaves do you have?" Jesus asked. "Seven," they replied. Mark 8:5 The people ate and were satisfied. Afterward the disciples picked up seven basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. About four thousand were present. Mark 8: 8-9

Of course, the crowd was fickle; they had seen this trick before and most of their tweets panned Jesus' act at old and needing a bigger finish.

Jesus performs miracles and cleans ears.

There some people brought to him a man who was deaf and could hardly talk, and they begged Jesus to place his hand on him. After he took him aside, away from the crowd, Jesus put his fingers into the man's ears. Then he spit and touched the man's tongue. Mark 7: 32-33

If only Q-tips had been invented.

Cirque du So-Jesus

Shortly before dawn he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. Mark 6: 48-49

To be fair, any being capable of creating billions of galaxies in the blink of an eye shouldn't have much trouble walking across a lake. Next time, do it juggling knives while chewing gum and we'll really be impressed.

Jesus is Top Chef

"How many loaves do you have?" he asked. "Go and see." When they found out, they said, "Five—and two fish." ...  They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish. The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand. Mark 6: 38, 42-44

This Bible story is particularly perplexing to starving people throughout the world. Alas, God must have his reasons for their perpetual hunger. (Note: with so much wasted food, Bible scholars suspect the crowd around Jesus that day to be obese American tourists.)

The 12 Apostles are magic, too.

They went out and preached that people should repent. They drove out many demons and anointed many sick people with oil and healed them. Mark 6:12-13

Or perhaps they doled out anti-biotics.

Stay away from the light!

While Jesus was still speaking, some people came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue leader. "Your daughter is dead," they said. "Why bother the teacher anymore?" Mark 5:35

He took her by the hand and said to her, "Talitha koum!" (which means "Little girl, I say to you, get up!"). Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished. He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this... Mark 5: 41-43

1) Over-analizing this made-up story is silly, but let's do it anyway.
2) One of the "proofs" that Jesus is God, is that Jesus was resurrected. Does that makes Jairus' daughter God, too?
3) It's a shame that the FIRST resurrected person in the world doesn't even have her named mentioned in the Bible. She could have been a STAR.
4) It's a shame that Jesus put a gag order on the event (like he does so often), it would have been nice to have some quotes from the resurrected girl about what happens when you die.
5) The whole story is bullshit, even Jesus said so in Mark 5:39, "The child is not dead but asleep." People only come back from the dead in cheesy movies and opportunistic books.

 

Stay thirsty my friends.

A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. Mark 4: 37-39 They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!" Mark 4:41

He's not Jesus. He the most interesting man in the world.

Jesus Christ or Clark Kent?

Whenever the impure spirits saw him, they fell down before him and cried out, "You are the Son of God." But he gave them strict orders not to tell others about him. Mark 3:11-12

Again we find Jesus trying to hide his identity despite performing street magic everywhere he goes. David Blaine is more subtle.

I forgive you for robbing that old woman. She may still be a little upset.

When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, "Son, your sins are forgiven." Now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, "Why does this fellow talk like that? He's blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?" Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, "Why are you thinking these things? Which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up, take your mat and walk'? But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins." So he said to the man, "I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home." He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, "We have never seen anything like this!" Mark 2: 5-12

The author of Mark, decades after the supposed event that he was not witness to, QUOTES Jesus making a grand claim—the ability to forgive you for injuring someone else; essentially relieving you of the inherent responsibility of your transgression on that person. This concept is known as vicarious redemption.  Read more about vicarious redemption on this page.

Some...Demons be gone!

That evening after sunset the people brought to Jesus all the sick and demon-possessed. The whole town gathered at the door, and Jesus healed many who had various diseases. He also drove out many demons, but he would not let the demons speak because they knew who he was. Mark 1:32-34

Relevant take-aways from this passage:
1) Galilee must have been one wild, demon-filled place.
2) Jesus healed many (not all), which means that he sent some people home still riddled with disease. Poor bastards.
3) Jesus drove out many (not all) demons, which means that some people went home with their heads still spinning and scaring the crap out of small children.
4) While healing the sick and chasing away demons while at the same time censoring the demons, Jesus simultaneously tried to be a public mystic while remaining incognito about his god-ness. Talk about confusing.

Ma! The Meatloaf!

Simon's mother-in-law was in bed with a fever, and they immediately told Jesus about her. So he went to her, took her hand and helped her up. The fever left her and she began to wait on them. Mark 1:30-31

Little known fact; after she waited on the boys and they left, she collapsed and was rushed to the ER with pneumonia. True story.

What is she doing?!