Forget 72 virgins; I take my share of the 32,000.

The Lord said to Moses, "You and Eleazar the priest and the family heads of the community are to count all the people and animals that were captured. Divide the spoils equally between the soldiers who took part in the battle and the rest of the community. Number 31: 25-27

The plunder remaining from the spoils that the soldiers took was 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys and 32,000 women who had never slept with a man. Numbers 31:32-35

What proud father wouldn't, moments before his slaughter, hope for his young, innocent daughter to be divided by his murderers as a victory spoil?    (Note: Notice that sheep, cattle, and donkeys ranked ahead of the virgin women on the list of spoils. Scholars still debate whether these nomads found the livestock to be more valuable than the girls, or if they merely preferred screwing the livestock because the young girls wept so forcefully during the non-consensual sex.)

God needs to learn to either take a deep breath or take a valium before he makes big decisions.

The Lord said to Moses, "Take all the leaders of these people, kill them and expose them in broad daylight before the Lord, so that the Lord's fierce anger may turn away from Israel." Numbers 25:4

No snarky commentary necessary.

God sentences man to death for picking up sticks. Seriously.

While the Israelites were in the wilderness, a man was found gathering wood on the Sabbath day. Those who found him gathering wood brought him to Moses and Aaron and the whole assembly, and they kept him in custody, because it was not clear what should be done to him. Then the Lord said to Moses, "The man must die. The whole assembly must stone him outside the camp." So the assembly took him outside the camp and stoned him to death, as the Lord commanded Moses. Numbers15: 32-36

As the man's skull was being crushed by the blunt stones and brain matter splattered the ground, love and joy spread amongst the people as God's direct will was done as commanded. Oh, the glory.

That's a shitload of traceless Israelites.

All the Israelites twenty years old or more who were able to serve in Israel's army were counted according to their families. The total number was 603,550. Numbers 1: 45-46

With 600,000 soldiers, the total population following Moses figures to be in the millions yet there is not a single archeological trace of their existence. Weird?

Jesus on divorce.

Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?" "What did Moses command you?" he replied. They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away." "It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied. "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery." Mark 10: 2-12

Three questions. Was Moses only wrong about marriage? Or was he wrong about a few things? Or was he wrong about everything? (In this passage, Jesus yields to Moses. So difficult to choose.)

Jesus meets with Dead Moses.

After six days Jesus took Peter, James and John with him and led them up a high mountain, where they were all alone. There he was transfigured before them. His clothes became dazzling white, whiter than anyone in the world could bleach them. And there appeared before them Elijah and Moses, who were talking with Jesus. Peter said to Jesus, "Rabbi, it is good for us to be here. Let us put up three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah." (He did not know what to say, they were so frightened.) Then a cloud appeared and covered them, and a voice came from the cloud: "This is my Son, whom I love. Listen to him!" Suddenly, when they looked around, they no longer saw anyone with them except Jesus. As they were coming down the mountain, Jesus gave them orders not to tell anyone what they had seen until the Son of Man had risen from the dead. They kept the matter to themselves, discussing what "rising from the dead" meant. Mark 9:2-10

Later that day when the mushrooms wore off, John asked, "How come Joesph Smith wasn't up on the mountain, too?"

Jesus needs to re-read the Bible.

(Jesus speaking) "For Moses said, 'Honor your father and mother,' and, 'Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.'" Mark 7:10

Hey Jesus, just an FYI, these statements were made by God, to Moses (Exodus 20:12, Leviticus 20:9). Being that you ARE God, and thus, you spoke the words to Moses; it seems reasonable that you would know this.

Maybe it's a euphemism?

Then Moses spoke to the Israelites, and they took the blasphemer outside the camp and stoned him. The Israelites did as the Lord commanded Moses. Leviticus 24:23

Once archeologists find that first bong in ancient Israeli excavations, we'll know that God simply wanted blasphemers to get really baked and chill out.

Icky, sticky man stuff.

The Lord said to Moses and Aaron, "Speak to the Israelites and say to them: 'When any man has an unusual bodily discharge, such a discharge is unclean. Leviticus 15: 1-2 When a man has an emission of semen, he must bathe his whole body with water, and he will be unclean till evening. Leviticus 15:16

So many gross images come to mind. Note to self, skip this chapter in Sunday school.

The REAL Ten Commandments

1: Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. Exodus 34:14

2: Be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land; for when they prostitute themselves to their gods and sacrifice to them, they will invite you and you will eat their sacrifices. And when you choose some of their daughters as wives for your sons and those daughters prostitute themselves to their gods, they will lead your sons to do the same. Exodus 34: 15-16

3: Do not make any idols. Exodus 34:17

4: Celebrate the Festival of Unleavened Bread. Exodus 34:18

5: The first offspring of every womb belongs to me, including all the firstborn males of your livestock, whether from herd or flock. Exodus 34:19

6: Redeem the firstborn donkey with a lamb, but if you do not redeem it, break its neck. Redeem all your firstborn sons. No one is to appear before me empty-handed. Exodus 34:20

7: Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest; even during the plowing season and harvest you must rest. Exodus 34:21

8: Celebrate the Festival of Weeks with the firstfruits of the wheat harvest, and the Festival of Ingathering at the turn of the year. Three times a year all your men are to appear before the Sovereign Lord, the God of Israel. I will drive out nations before you and enlarge your territory, and no one will covet your land when you go up three times each year to appear before the Lord your God. Exodus 34: 22-24

9: Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast, and do not let any of the sacrifice from the Passover Festival remain until morning. Exodus 34:25

10: Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the Lord your God. Do not cook a young goat in its mother's milk. Exodus 34:26

Then the Lord said to Moses, "Write down these words, for in accordance with these words I have made a covenant with you and with Israel." Moses was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights without eating bread or drinking water. And he wrote on the tablets the words of the covenant—the Ten Commandments. Exodus 34: 27:28

Let's see these, the real Ten Commandments, displayed in our courthouses! And don't disobey number seven...

These are the things the Lord has commanded you to do: For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a day of sabbath rest to the Lord. Whoever does any work on it is to be put to death. Exodus 35:1-2

Antique Roadshow would have loved these.

When Moses approached the camp and saw the calf and the dancing, his anger burned and he threw the tablets out of his hands, breaking them to pieces at the foot of the mountain. Exodus 32:19

Had Moses had some self-control, those tablets would be worth a fortune today.

God has a hissy fit.

"I have seen these people," the Lord said to Moses, "and they are a stiff-necked people. Now leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them. Then I will make you into a great nation." Exodus 32: 9-10


God, take a deep breath. You created the mountains, the seas, billions of complex creatures, trillions of stars, galaxies, black holes, supernovae, globular clusters, and many more cool sounding things in the cosmos; don't let those stiff-necked people get you so mad. You're GOD, for Christ sake. You're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you!


(Luckily, Moses, as mere human, talked some sense into the divine, perfect, being in the next paragraph.)

Sounds familiar.

Then Moses entered the cloud as he went on up the mountain. And he stayed on the mountain forty days and forty nights. Exodus 24:18

This is absolutely not a book cloaked in superstition and fable.

God really cares about slaves...and women?

"These are the laws you are to set before them:

"If you buy a Hebrew servant, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh year, he shall go free, without paying anything. If he comes alone, he is to go free alone; but if he has a wife when he comes, she is to go with him. If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the woman and her children shall belong to her master, and only the man shall go free. "But if the servant declares, 'I love my master and my wife and children and do not want to go free,' then his master must take him before the judges. He shall take him to the door or the doorpost and pierce his ear with an awl. Then he will be his servant for life.

"If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do. If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners, because he has broken faith with her. If he selects her for his son, he must grant her the rights of a daughter. If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money. Exodus 21: 1-11

No pity comment required.

Thanks a lot, Grandpa!

...for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me... Exodus 20:5

But God, I didn't do anything. It was my great grandfather that pissed you off and he was dead before I was even born. This punishment is so unfair. Screw it, I'm going to worship Ra.

Rules to live by.

And the Lord said to Moses, "Go to the people and consecrate them today and tomorrow. Have them wash their clothes and be ready by the third day, because on that day the Lord will come down on Mount Sinai in the sight of all the people. Put limits for the people around the mountain and tell them, 'Be careful that you do not approach the mountain or touch the foot of it. Whoever touches the mountain is to be put to death. They are to be stoned or shot with arrows; not a hand is to be laid on them. No person or animal shall be permitted to live.' Only when the ram's horn sounds a long blast may they approach the mountain." Exodus 19: 10-13

Wash clothes: check. Don't touch mountain: check. And to play it safe, when that horn blows, I'm still not going anywhere near that mountain.

I am the great and powerful Moses.

Moses answered him, "Because the people come to me to seek God's will. Whenever they have a dispute, it is brought to me, and I decide between the parties and inform them of God's decrees and instructions." Exodus 18: 15-16

Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

Raise your hands if you're SURE.

So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. Exodus 17:10-11

Joshua was heard screaming, "someone keep his fucking hands in the air, please."

Cloudy With A Chance Of Pita.

Then the Lord said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. Exodus 16:4

Of course, those on the Atkins Diet were a little dismayed.

Yawn.

Then Moses cried out to the Lord, and the Lord showed him a piece of wood. He threw it into the water, and the water became fit to drink. Exodus 15: 25

Somewhat anticlimactic after parting the sea; though, considering how thirsty the Israelites were after three days in the desert without water, they might have enjoyed this trick even more.