No. Really, guys. It's ME. IT'S ME!

After his suffering, he presented himself to them and gave many convincing proofs that he was alive. He appeared to them over a period of forty days and spoke about the kingdom of God. Acts 1:3

How difficult is it for an omnipotent deity to convince twelve humans that he created, and that he warned that he would return from the dead (just like every other proper god of the era), that he'd actually returned? Did he come back with a Scottish accent? Did he come back looking like Liza Minnelli? Did he come back as a hedgehog?

The disciples didn't believe Jesus, why should you? (Zombie Jesus lays out the ground rules.)

NOTE: These verses all take place after Jesus comes back from the dead and are NOT found in the earliest manuscripts. Likely conclusion: these verses were added AFTER the earliest manuscripts were written, which were written decades after the supposed events. You get the point.

When Jesus rose early on the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had driven seven demons. She went and told those who had been with him and who were mourning and weeping. When they heard that Jesus was alive and that she had seen him, they did not believe it. Afterward Jesus appeared in a different form to two of them while they were walking in the country.  These returned and reported it to the rest; but they did not believe them either. Later Jesus appeared to the Eleven as they were eating; he rebuked them for their lack of faith and their stubborn refusal to believe those who had seen him after he had risen. He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well." After the Lord Jesus had spoken to them, he was taken up into heaven and he sat at the right hand of God.  Then the disciples went out and preached everywhere, and the Lord worked with them and confirmed his word by the signs that accompanied it. Mark 16: 9-20

No need to ridicule these verses. They do just fine on their own.

Divine non sequitur.

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. Mark 10:45


Perhaps the greatest mystery of all theology is the unquestioning acceptance of the need for human sacrifice in order for man to live forever in paradise. Regarding Christianity, this makes no more sense than the story reading that Jesus transformed into a mighty oak tree in order to bestow man eternal salvation. One can argue divine, arbitrary fiat for such an action, but nothing else.

Jesus rolls in the third person.

"We are going up to Jerusalem," he said, "and the Son of Man will be delivered over to the chief priests and the teachers of the law. They will condemn him to death and will hand him over to the Gentiles, who will mock him and spit on him, flog him and kill him. Three days later he will rise." Mark 10:33-34

Perhaps he was referring to someone else? Or perhaps this passage was contrived to enrich the resurrection narrative. Or perhaps Jesus spoke in the third person because he is the "third person" of the trinity (how clever)? Or perhaps Jesus simply thought he was in the NBA?

Stay away from the light!

While Jesus was still speaking, some people came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue leader. "Your daughter is dead," they said. "Why bother the teacher anymore?" Mark 5:35

He took her by the hand and said to her, "Talitha koum!" (which means "Little girl, I say to you, get up!"). Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished. He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this... Mark 5: 41-43

1) Over-analizing this made-up story is silly, but let's do it anyway.
2) One of the "proofs" that Jesus is God, is that Jesus was resurrected. Does that makes Jairus' daughter God, too?
3) It's a shame that the FIRST resurrected person in the world doesn't even have her named mentioned in the Bible. She could have been a STAR.
4) It's a shame that Jesus put a gag order on the event (like he does so often), it would have been nice to have some quotes from the resurrected girl about what happens when you die.
5) The whole story is bullshit, even Jesus said so in Mark 5:39, "The child is not dead but asleep." People only come back from the dead in cheesy movies and opportunistic books.