Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

A man or woman who is a medium or spiritist among you must be put to death. You are to stone them; their blood will be on their own heads. Leviticus 20:26

So, if a person essentially pretends to have magic intuitive powers that don't exist (something that an omniscient deity should understand as a scam) the only logical punishment is death. Check.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again--Minority Report Edition

If a woman approaches an animal to have sexual relations with it, kill both the woman and the animal. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. Leviticus 20:16

As the horny women approaches the defenseless yet aroused donkey, the pre-cogs eyes start twitching, a wooden balls drops, cops in jet-packs descend and slaughter the woman and the donkey, and the universe's all-loving, omniscient creator's will is exacted. Now go to bed, kids.

Forget the halo, kill the girl...and the donkey.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he is to be put to death, and you must kill the animal. Leviticus 20:15

Meet Lamby-pie. She just got fucked by a lonely, sex-starved, Israelite. Sorry Lamby-pie, now you must die. 

But I told him, NOOOO! Why do I have to die?

Got MILF

If a man marries both a woman and her mother, it is wicked. Both he and they must be burned in the fire, so that no wickedness will be among you. Leviticus 20:14

Burned alive for a little mom-daughter action; that's a bit harsh. I can't imagine the penalty for raping children: oh, yeah, the Bible (and the Catholic church) don't really seem to be bothered by that.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

If a man commits adultery with another man's wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress are to be put to death. Leviticus 20:10

No wiggle-room here (pun intended). What God fails to mention in this verse is if there are exceptions for really hot neighbors. He should have also clarified if webcam sex was also classified as a capital offense.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Leviticus 20:9

This one kind of makes it tough to be a Bible literalist without attaching a lot of bullshit rationalization to it.

Yes Christians, you have to OBEY every word of the Bible. Enjoy the new 'do.

Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard. Leviticus 19:27

Hey God. Does this apply to men and women?

Three laws sure to damn EVERY Christian.

Do not mate different kinds of animals. Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. Leviticus 19:19

Meet Susie. She's playing with her Labradoodle as she tends to her backyard tomato and zucchini plants while wearing a cotton-poly blend jumpsuit. See you in hell, Susie.

Let the punishment fit the crime, again.

"Observe the Sabbath, because it is holy to you. Anyone who desecrates it is to be put to death; those who do any work on that day must be cut off from their people." Exodus 31:14 "...Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day is to be put to death." Exodus 31:15

God also wanted people to be put to death for littering and for chewing on the left side of their mouths but he completely forgot to tell Moses.

Mommy goats have feelings, too.

"Do not cook a young goat in its mother's milk." Exodus 23:19

This is the verse that led so many candidates to run on "family values" in the US.

Do not offer the fur of a Yak along with anything containing cinnamon.

Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast. Exodus 23:18

God seems to have the rationality of Frank Costanza.

Kick your feet up Mr. Slave, it's Saturday!

"Six days do your work, but on the seventh day do not work, so that your ox and your donkey may rest, and so that the slave born in your household and the foreigner living among you may be refreshed." Exodus 23:12

Another way to refresh a slave is to not HAVE slaves because your morality is better than God's morality and you realize that slavery is not very nice and you know damn well that you wouldn't want to be a slave because being a slave blows.

It was a lonely night in the desert...

"Anyone who has sexual relations with an animal is to be put to death." Exodus 22:19

Or at the very least, mocked relentlessly on the internet.

I am not a witch. I'm you.

"Do not allow a sorceress to live." Exodus 22:18

Perhaps God should have just told people that witches are make-believe.

CSI Jerusalem

"If a thief is caught breaking in at night and is struck a fatal blow, the defender is not guilty of bloodshed; but if it happens after sunrise, the defender is guilty of bloodshed. Exodus 22: 2-3

If Hebrew forensic teams are unable to determine the exact time of death, the defender is to be given three years probation, ordered to donate three goats to the the local YMCA, and forced to marry his cousin's non-virgin daughter. (Technically, everything is "after" sunrise until the next sunrise—a defense skillfully utilize by the defender's attorney.)

BULL-Shit

If the bull gores a male or female slave, the owner must pay thirty shekels of silver to the master of the slave, and the bull is to be stoned to death. Exodus 21:32

Said the bull, "I'm a bull, fucktard, I gore people. And not for nothin', since I gored the slave maybe the slave should get the cash. Hey, stop throwing rocks at me, asshole."

The nuances of hitting pregnant women.

"If people are fighting and hit a pregnant woman and she gives birth prematurely but there is no serious injury, the offender must be fined whatever the woman's husband demands and the court allows. But if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise." Exodus 21: 22-25

So, "eye for an eye" proponents must realize that this philosophy only applies to crimes against pregnant women—thus leaving only room for cheek turners, presumably.

Remember: beat your slaves, just don't kill them.

"Anyone who beats their male or female slave with a rod must be punished if the slave dies as a direct result, but they are not to be punished if the slave recovers after a day or two, since the slave is their property. Exodus 21:20

Don't you just hate those pain-in-the-ass slaves that complain when you beat them? It's like they don't even know that God said it's OK.

Let the punishment fit the crime.

"Anyone who attacks their father or mother is to be put to death." Exodus 21:15 "Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Exodus 21:17

All you parents make sure to read these verses to the kids.

God really cares about slaves...and women?

"These are the laws you are to set before them:

"If you buy a Hebrew servant, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh year, he shall go free, without paying anything. If he comes alone, he is to go free alone; but if he has a wife when he comes, she is to go with him. If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the woman and her children shall belong to her master, and only the man shall go free. "But if the servant declares, 'I love my master and my wife and children and do not want to go free,' then his master must take him before the judges. He shall take him to the door or the doorpost and pierce his ear with an awl. Then he will be his servant for life.

"If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do. If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners, because he has broken faith with her. If he selects her for his son, he must grant her the rights of a daughter. If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money. Exodus 21: 1-11

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